Archive for January, 2010


-digicamography, photoshop-

erase. rewind. erase 4 weeks of pointless soul searching when the truth is already staring me in the face. rewind 4 weeks so i could salvage what a beautiful thing that i actually have instead of analysing what i actually had…

you. are. such. a. stupid. stupid. fool.

anger. fear. denial. loss. this is my self aristotelian literary criticism. photography and digital manipulation, this is my emotions made visual…

this is my abreaction…

this is my catharsis.



saturday night. tonight i got acquainted with the mythical green fairy.

van gogh, baudelaire, wilde, verlaine. i am disappointed. where is this magic you all speak of?

somewhat over dramatised and over rated i would say. i was hoping for the hallucinations that the great bohemians wax lyrical about. but after 7 glasses, all i found was a very intense buzz, not much different than that of an ethanol high and a mouth tasting like i had too much aniseed cough syrup, like i just consumed a gigantic bag of hacks in one sitting.

so, probably 68% abv is not enough to drive a me over the edge. so now i am on a quest to look for a 80% abv. yes, i have an experimental death wish like that. my curiosity gets the best of me, most of the time.

and then maybe, maybe i can truly understand this elixir that they call absinthe…

With Flowers, and with Women,
With Absinthe, and with this Fire,
We can divert ourselves a while,
Act out our part in some drama.



this is not my fingers that lays the petals over you. this is not my hands that pours the water on you. this is not my mouth that says a prayer for you. this is not my heart that pines to hear your voice and laughter again.

so… my dear dear friend.

don’t say goodbye, say see you later *smiles*


farewell tomorrow

tomorrow, tomorrow. there’s always tomorrow.

that is what we would always say when we could not find the time meet up. there is always tomorrow, we would say with a laugh and smile. we can always meet up soon, no rush at all. but as they bathed you, prayed over your body and placed you into the ground, i wonder how many tomorrows have i wasted? wasted not meeting up for that cup of tea when i could have? wasted not saying hi or hello, even over the phone?

and now, tomorrow will never come…

how do you help bury one of your best girl friend? a good friend’s wife? a mother to a young beautiful daughter? what words have you to give a grieving husband? what can a ‘pakcik’ do for a weeping young one pining for her mother? only words and words seems so inadequate now…

oh how my heart broke when i heard the news. it was not the trickle of a stream nor a falling of a soft summer rain but a great big angry torrent of anguish and loss…

atie, i still remember the times where we would sit, smoke and chat in the stairwell. how we share our own lives, loves and problems over a few good puffs and a whole lot of good talk and sound advices. i miss those easy, simpler times. i miss it so much.

i am so sorry i let life get the best of me. i am sure you would be aghast at what i have become. i am so tired and lost. so many things i would like to say to you now and ask you what would you do if you were in my place. i long for those good advices you used to give me. i wish we could talk like before. i would love to hear your voice again. there is still so many things left unsaid…

so, i will see you very soon my dear old friend. and we can have our ‘rokok, sembang and urut leher’ session again.

i miss you so so much already atie…

innalillahi wainna ilaihi roji’un…




such a surreal weekend.

saturday. a paternal cousin was married off in one of the biggest and happiest family gatherings in a long time.




sunday. bad news.

monday. i will help bury one of my best girl friend. the best a guy could ever have.

saturday. sunday. monday. conflicted. shattered.


said many times over and it shall be said again: don’t criticize what you don’t understand. don’t assume. don’t compare. he may be wrong but you never walked in that man’s shoes, you do not know the reasons he does the things he do and the weight he carries upon his shoulders.

he could be right but you just chose the easy way out…


one more time

-lomography, photoshop-

let’s start over. one more try.

don’t rush the heart,

go back to the start,

take it slow,

and just go with the flow.

and it was said: once it’s been given to you, it is always yours.