Archive for December, 2009


it’s been 6 hours since 10am. god bless sweden, lars olsson smith and orange juice. absolutely.


confidence/lost count

confidence is definitely an alcoholic. nothing like a few drinks to make it come slinking back into the crowd and be the highlight of the party.

it may look stupid but it doesn’t care. well at least not until the next morning when the ethanol wears off, the throbbing headache kicks in and there is photographic proof (of your overwhelming ‘confidence’).

bleah. welcome to the year end binge sessions, the hazy after parties and the revelations of the morning afters.


how many days have i been drinking in a row? i lost count. my liver is screaming from the overwork, my kidneys are drowning and fermenting at the same time and my brain is whooping in joy.

meeting up ex colleagues at some dodgy drinking establishment in pj later. a place notorious for it’s decently priced booze and very young serving girls.

i am just there for the alcohol and conversations. really.





you were. you are. you will be.


no commitments. no promises.

rewind many years back, i would have just fucked it all to hell and jumped the woman that mouthed those magic words, that green light sentence. no second guessing, no thinking twice. now i am just tired. very tired.

we might get what we want at the end of the day, that temporary oxytocin high. but i am at the stage where i want something more lasting. and you cannot give me that. i should have listened to her advice and not walk into this with my heart open. walls up please she says, be wary she says, this one is untameable. now disengaging from you would be a monumental task indeed. well only from my angle of course. i am sure it would be easy for you *smiles*

sad. and you had to be a 4 out of 5 too. quirky, intelligent, curvaceous. shit, i want to own you for good. well, you are not getting a perfect score, only because i refuse to give it to you. yeah, i guess i am just being rational like that, after being so irrational with you *grins*

-maxwell: bad habits-

merry merry/the girl who always plays alone

merry christmas world. have a good one this year.

chug a few back for me. i am cutting down on the consumption tonight because i am still being plagued by a cough and sore throat.

keyword: cutting down. i am still drinking. apparently i was told that ethanol, in whatever form, still kills germs *smiles*


i still can’t figure out the merry part though after all these years. christmas has always been a very jaded affair for me, if it is not a dull one. drinks, dinners, smiles, joy, laughter… but i feel so detached. as if i am watching a show on the television instead of being in the room with all these surreal happy people. i guess it’s that year end thing where everything rewind and recaps in your head. some people have beginnings, i always always have endings…

5:30am, sitting in the dark having a phone conversation with ‘the little girl who always plays alone’. never have i felt loneliness more than after that chat with you. guess i can relate to your words because i have always been that ‘little boy that always plays alone’ too.

so does the lonely little girl that nobody wants to play with, hang out with this lonely little boy in the sandbox? the choice is yours, i am not going anywhere anytime soon…


ai mish yew


-explosions in the sky: you hand in mine (with strings)-

rock and roll girl

she said: fantasy may rock but reality will always roll (on)

and thus, that truth will always prevail in the end. i really hate to think that we may never get more than these lukewarm bedsheets, silent smiles, meaningful touches, sharing breaths and 3am car rides to no where whenever we meet up. i am sure we are up for more than this. we pull and push not because we want to. we are just birds caught in different slipstreams.

i think my heart cracked a little tonight, just a little, just because i let it.


ai ruff yew


-maxwell: til’ the cops come knockin’-


i hardly ever get sick, like probably once or twice a year? but i have to catch the sniffles, coupled with a generous sprinkling of some growling, hacking, scratching gremlins at the back of my throat now of all times? meh. i must really really really be on santa’s ‘bad’ list.

i think i will take the GP’s advice and have more fluids, like water and orange juice.

well i guess it’s okay if it’s the doctor’s order.

so let’s have a few more screwdrivers then.