Archive for November, 2009

stupid heart

i think the men in my family are afflicted with the stupid heart disease. your truly is included of course, seeing the track record of this wordpress, i seem to have a chronic version of it, fuck. and to which, i would like to argue with a certain XX individual, that it is different than the stupid head ailment.

and the stupid heart disease is ultimately more damaging than the stupid head ailment because of it’s cascading negative effects if the relationship fails. the head has a fail safe mechanism which usually works most of the time. the heart is just like a downhill ride in a car with no brakes. exhilarating for the first few miles but suicidal as the pull of gravity takes over, the bends grow sharper and the speed picks up…

i find that it afflicts men more but do not for once think women are totally immune to it. it is not solely a male only disease. not ever my dear, you wish. it’s like that pesky measles i guess: you will get it only once in your lifetime, if you are lucky…


not the same

-digicamography, photoshop-

she said: christmas is coming. oh i can’t wait. the decors, the shopping, the gift opening. so much fun. do you like christmas?

he said: it’s okay i guess. i don’t mind christmas.

she said: don’t mind?

he said: yeah, i don’t mind. i tolerate holidays, i don’t enjoy it. well maybe i do because it’s a break from work. but holidays only serves to reminds you that you are alone.

she said: you are not alone. you will always have us.

he said: i know, and don’t think i am not thankful. but you know what i mean dear, friends and lovers are not the same. the heart is strangely lonely, even when surrounded by wonderful friends and happy laughters. and i think it’s worse for me this time around because i have been so looking forward to this christmas with…

she said: *sad smile* i know. i understand.

you’re honey dipped. you are beautiful. you are ecstasy. floating clouds, you lifted me so high and i am crashing down now.

don’t bring me down, i beg you, i won’t let you. where are you going? please come back. you are so so so far away…

-sia: don’t bring me down-

long time coming

caught between two extremes and two feelings. i hear you my little brother. i have been there before.

but you cannot deny that this should have been done sooner. saying goodbye has been long overdue. i guess you just needed the push and the reason to do so. and this was it. i am always the bad one it seems. the gfs always say i am. i just radiate an aura of bad influence, so no reason not the play the role that i was given then, i guess? *smiles*

just a word of advice: becareful little brother, tread this relationship with this one carefully. beautiful things like her will almost always break your heart…



happy birthday uncle jimi, would you take me to electric ladyland? is the magic carpet waiting? i’ll try not to be late.

-jimi hendrix: may this be love-

bad party

dude help

i was rather concerned when i received that sms from a friend, well into a.m.

concerned because the message was too cryptic to glean any useful information from it in regards to the type of trouble he is in and also i myself am halfway to high heaven drinking with another group of friends in hartamas, meaning i might be the one needing help very soon. worried, i texted back asking how he was, if he was okay and has his condition improved. moments later, a reply came back:

bad party. i feel like my liver is escaping my body in the form of vomit. so no it is not an improvement. met a girl, she looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a fire extinguisher by slamming it against her face repeatedly. but i still kissed her and gave her my number when she asked for it. fml.


i just love my drunkard friends. drinkers are funniest people on the face of the planet. ever. especially the inebriated ones *laughs*


the tv glowing in the dark. lukewarm microwaved dinner sitting half eaten beside me. absolut vanilla in coke, delicious. i think i am beginning to get that false sense of hope again. i wish it would go away. because i know where this has gotten me before.

*tap click tap click*

‘…and for sixty nine ninety nine you will get… i will always love you forever, that i promise you. really? yes my love, would i lie to you… and everything is going at half price! hurry now to your nearest store today!”

i like the scars

Sunday reflections.

i like the scars you left on my back when i first took you.

“it could hurt”, i said. you smiled and told me you would hurt me back if it did.

i will not pretend that i remember them when you were still around. these light, raised lines across my back, for they were so much a part of me. these gifts of affection were so easily discarded and  forgotten. i blame youth. we were so young. and we were all just transient creatures crossing paths in the eddies of life.

it’s been 10 years. the distinct keloids are almost gone, the lighter colors have faded into my skin tone, my finger pads brush on almost smoothed out skin instead of those imperfect knots and valleys that i’ve grown so used to.

i try so hard now to reminisce the you that i fell in love with. i look at those pictures of us that i still have and try to remember your character. your smile. your laughter.

everything in fragments. almost gone. just like you.

koginavaan, i would always wish you well. it still tears me up inside, because of me you are now what you have become. and if i could go back again and set things right, i would gladly do so…

-dj shadow: six days-