a beginning

and so it begins. the first day of a new beginning.

slightly nervous and elated. in the car, i run through the introduction speech that i hastily scribbled up the night before in my head a hundred times. i practice into the rear view mirror; trying to tweak my words, intonations and nuances so it does not feel authoritative and rigid. shall i attempt to joke to lighten the moment? hmm, i foresee this will not be easy…

as the elevator doors opened, i walked out, took a deep breath and walk through the auto doors with a big friendly smile on my face.

hey you, don’t fuck this up. this is easy for you. you can definitely pull this off.

yes, the plans are truly in motion now but the reason to this that i do is all but missing. and i really wonder why? the suddenness of it all. no reasons, no explanations. i did no wrong, or did i? did i give you too much love, respect and space? have i been not forceful enough? have i rationed my love and emotions, wanted and demanded, would you still be here? but then gorgeous you were always a focused and headstrong woman. i am sure if i reverted to my hard mode with you, it would be a catastrophe yes? *smiles*

if things did not happen the way they did. if you are still here. this would definitely be a happy and wonderful day indeed. i am sure you would have bought me shirts for work, like you would every time you fly. you would have dressed me up the way you said you wanted to, made sure that i looked good and my dressing is immaculate. you would have trimmed and tousled my hair, and made sure i sport that grungy half shave that you liked.

we would then have had breakfast at the corner coffee shop. you always loved your daily ritual of old school ‘kopi peng’ and ‘siu meen pau’. you would have looked into my eyes, held my hands and reassured me that today will be a perfect day. you would have hugged me tightly, kissed and wished me good luck a dozen times.

and i am sure you would have been more anxious than i would be. you would definitely drop by for lunch immediately later, all excited, with your 30 questions *smiles*

so many ifs. if things did not happen the way they did, but they did happen. i keep waiting for the phone to ring and your voice at the other end of the line to wish me good luck. but i have already steeled myself to not expect anything.

today i run through a gamut of emotions. i am happy, anxious and also in some ways, i feel an immense heavy sadness in my heart but i push that aside. negativity shows on the face and it is not a good first impression. no sir. so i step through the auto doors with my head held high. i mirrored every smile and absorbed every handshake in stride.

secretly, i am still doing this for an us. i know i should not but i want to hold on to some resemblance of hope until i hear something, anything from you. this hoping drives me forward. it gives a meaning to what i am doing. i guess i am a stubborn fool like that. but in truth, i know i am better off doing this for myself. so i must keep telling myself that…

this here, this is for one now…

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