aeternum vale

i’m no good with mourning.

i couldn’t even cry at my grandfather’s funeral, and my aunt shook her head and called me heartless. his favorite grandson, shed no tears. in some ways, i guess i am. heartless that is. as they lay him into the ground so many years ago, that part of me went with him. my laughter, my happiness, my joy. all six feet under. as i stood and watch them shovel the last mound of earth, i knew i would never ever be the same again, from that point onwards.

death changes you. a friend, a family member. regardless. nothing can truly awaken you to the fragility of life than losing someone you love. it makes you want to run to the one you love most, there and then, and hold on to him or her tightly, fearing that they might be the one that will be taken next.

i’m so sorry i can’t be there with you to send him off. you know i really want to. i’m no good with mourning but you know i will still stand with you, and hold your hand through this if i could…

-eva cassidy: ain’t no sunshine-

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