absence of one

singularity. one warm body. one ice cold bed. blinds down to keep out the weekend morning sun. your yesterday’s voice ringing in my ears. happy. contented. husky. your sweat on the sheets and pillow. your smell on the personal items you left behind. your perfume hanging in the stale cigarette smoke laced air of the room. recloose looping on the stereo.

i want my weekends and sundays with you. i want more time with you. i want nights with you, which unfortunately you only spend with him. but of course, i am the third odd number in a even two number equation. i have no right to demand.

i almost always box myself into this kind of situations and i wonder why all the time. first it was her, for 5 years till her engagement… and then her, till she decided to work on her marriage one more time… and now, you.  it’s not like i wake up everyday and tell myself i have to go after the taken, the wanted, the chosen, the unattainable. i am not proud of what i do but i cannot control my heart. and why, pray tell, do they also want to want me back? i could have my pick of the singles and i’m sure they would’ve worked out fine too. but no, of all the people, i had to pick you and you had to pick me, out of all those that wants you. damn.

so it seems someone somewhere up there has a really sick and deviant sense of humour. that seeks to set me on a collision course with a relationship wall. to turn me into an emotional wreckage. normally, i would enjoy this kind of liaisons. not mine, not yours. what is stolen is always sweeter no? i’m not a saint, i’m hardly close to being one. i would have enjoyed this immensely, as i’ve did so many times before. love them. leave them. i would’ve enjoyed this, most definitely, but not when you have already sneaked through the high barb wired electrified fence, charmed the well trained attack dogs, bribed the security guards and unwittingly stolen my well defended heart from under my nose, in my fortified heart-fortress.

vulnerable. i wanted to not fall but i fell deeper than i ever knew i could. amazing. you are such a sly wicked gorgeous creature.

dropkickjudy calls this karma, i just think it’s because i’m too careless and frivolous with my own heart. i rush to give it away at the bat of an eyelash. i rush to give it away to her because she is just oh so fucking perfect. everything that i have ever wanted in a woman. and oh how we click on so many different levels. how we love-hate the same things. how we finish each other’s sentences. how we laugh and smile easy. how we can talk like best of friends. how we can fuck like the oldest of lovers. how she gets all my subtle nuances and meaning, vice versa.

so tell me, judy. how? sighs.

you asked me to give you time, to wait for you. and so i will wait. so i will be here with the blinds down, with your dress, neatly folded, next to my face on the pillow. i will wait with your smell still lingering in the air, with the stereo on loop…

because waiting is the only thing i can ever do, for now, till i sort myself out…

-recloose: absence of one-

    • Jennifer Chen
    • August 30th, 2009

    “A mighty pain to love it is, And ’tis a pain that pain to miss;
    But of all pains, the greatest pain. It is to love, but love in vain.”

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