Archive for April, 2009

たすけてださい

私はこの生活の疲れている。

寂寞

我在尋找我的superwoman,跟我一樣信仰美麗的愛情,願意照顧像我這種被寵壞的男人,願意相信,那無數個夜晚的流浪還有棲息,都祇是為了尋找最後的溫暖。

-曹格: superwoman-

once upon a long time ago

haji_skies

-digicamography, photoshop-

once upon a long time ago. smiles. laughter. plans. hopes. dreams. haji lane.

-moby: the sky is broken-

goodbye

this is not a sad post. sometimes it is better to say goodbye and part ways, rather than to stay put, not being 100% there and keep fucking up. i don’t expect you two to truly understand what and why i do what i did. i have explained my dilemmas and i am not defending my faults. i was wrong. i fucked up big time. i am truly sorry.

you gave me the best 1 year of my life. funny that we started out being friends, of all the things, in an online game *laughs*  you infected me with the drive to try something new and the want… no, the NEED to succeed. you have great ideas but please don’t spread yourself too thinly. you want to do many things, way too many at one go. you will burn yourself out.

you gave me the best 5 years of my life. i never regret the day i met you in 1u for lunch.  i was so nervous, i just had my usual liquid lunch diet of beer to calm my nerves *smiles* i am glad for the times you spent with me. you are definitely a girlfriend and a best friend throughout all these years. you held me up in my times of need. you cajoled and pushed me ahead when i needed some prodding. you are oh so perfect in every single way and i rue the day that i made the choice to make you leave me. so be free, keep writing, keep chasing stars and oh… keep that impressive temper in check please *grins*

the path you both chosen is not mine. as much as i try, i just can’t hack it. maybe it’s true: you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. or maybe this old dog is just too ‘not there’ and preoccupied with his own personal dilemmas to pick up. so maybe we will meet again someday. but at the moment, i have my solitary path to take, my demons to slay and my skeletons to bury…

don’t be disappointed. you are both strong people. be there for each other and you will do just fine. so until then…

save the saviour

why do you keep putting the broken, the lost and the needy in my path? have i not saved enough for you all these years? fixed enough broken minds? patched enough shattered hearts? for you to take them away, only to be replaced with another one. they say a tortured soul will always attract a similar kindred spirit. thus i am stuck in this loop. because of how i was made by you, i have the urge to sweep all of them up, to love and protect and keep them safe forever. but i am not superman. i am not mother teresa. i am not a one man army charity organization. i am just plain old normal me. there is a limit to what i can do and i am seriously tired of this cycle…

you made me an extremely giving person indeed. you gave me a great big heart so i can keep handing out pieces of myself. you gave me a good grasp of logic so i can dish out sound advices.  you made in touch with my feelings so that i can see their every pain and feel their every tears…

but even there’s a limit to that…

some days, like today, even this saviour wants the be saved too…

Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I’m long gone

-alter bridge feat. cristina scabbia: watch over you-

lose lips

lose lips sink ships. a very accurate saying about my current predicament.

words, like people, are best approached carefully. there are too many underlying nuances or tangents sometimes to even take what is said for face value. words said with a smile on their faces could actually mean something totally opposite. thus i have been (purposely)misquoted and used as a tool to make you unhappy. for all it’s worth, i am really sorry. funny how something said in jest or during a moment of annoyance could turn out so destructive.

ingatlah, chinta

littlefeets1

-lomography, photoshop-

reminiscing old memories…

i remember that day so many years ago, you telling your parents you wanted to stay home instead of going for the holiday with them because you felt unwell. i remember you calling me over immediately when they left. i remember skinny dipping with you in the kidney-shaped pool and sunning naked on the deck chairs after. i remember your different skin tone, a contrast on mine as we lay entwined together. the ink and steel on mine a clash with your perfect unblemished tan skin. i remember the waft of lavender on your beige bedsheets, pillows and your clothes cupboard as you toss the door open. i remember staying over, you called me sayang as i called you dear and we played husband and wife for days. i remember walking hand in hand with you to the stares of people. i remember you getting intimate with me to spite them and we laughed about it after. i remember you teaching me about your religion and you asking me about mine. i remember your brown eyes. i remember your cheeky grin. i remember the last time i slept with you before you went over to Pratt, NY. i remember the last email i got from you.

you said you would forget if i wasn’t around. you said you would drift because you need physical attention and neverending affection. and i think i picked up those bad habits of yours…

it’s so easy to forget. we always let go when all we wanted to was hold on, even for a little bit longer. so would you be flattered if i say i still remember? not all, not 100%. i remember pieces, shards of yesterday. i kept those choice memories safe, close to my heart. but even then, they’re slowly fading away. the mind tends to erase even though the heart can’t let go. a self protection mechanism maybe?

so how about you sayang? because from the silence all these years, i’m very sure, you have already forgotten me.

bukan ku pinta kau kembali. tetapi ingatlah, buat seketika, chinta silam ini.

-sheila majid: cinta jangan kau pergi-