Archive for February, 2009

setengah hati

percaya lah, kamu bisa telah memiliki seluruh hati ini. ku tetap gembira dengan setengah hatimu. yang benar, tetap meyayangi mu, biar pun bertapa jauh atau pun dimana kamu berada…

-ada band: setengah hati-

just like a good wine

i’ve been told i get better, in every aspect, as i grow older. if you ask me, i feel indifferent or rather i don’t think i am doing anything substantially different than i was so many years before. maybe, just maybe… i am a little bit more mature… a little bit wiser… a little bit more worldly… a little bit more understanding… a little bit more caring…a little bit more gentle…

yea, i guess i am just a little bit more of everything…

so like wine, some men gets better as the years go by it seems. and the girls say i am at the point where i am starting to age well. pretty oxymoronic if you ask me. aging and well should never be said in the same breath *laughs* but i am guy after all. what are the numbers to me anyways aye?

but with that said, it does feel very very good to be so wanted. it seems like after being a geek with very low self esteem all my life and learning that the hour of the geeks is in, now growing older will make you much more sought after? gosh, so what next girls?

confusing. my head is spinning. you women are such bewildering but oh so interesting creatures…

out of the loop

hot. cold. out of the loop. silence. awkward. i feel hanging. limbo.

i know things are not exactly going the way you want lately, and i know how much it pains you when life’s puzzle don’t exactly piece together the way you want them to. i might have added a little confusion to the equation by gravitating too close to you and colliding with your heart again, as usual. but i guess me and you are the least of your worries.

sorry, don’t misunderstand. this is not a rant. just a simple plea to keep me in the loop if you can. tell me you’re okay and you don’t need me to worry if you can’t.

i know i was told that i have nothing to do with your hiatus but i still feel guilty. but that’s just me and my personal turmoil. overstepping when i should learn to tread carefully as always. i am like a bull in a china shop, seriously. but i guess that’s what happens when i let my heart out. it’s a clumsy stumbling loving thing.

just so you know, i’m here and i have never left. i am just a concerned friend that loves you very much.

-bloc party: signs-

unattainable

you say: my heart has always been there with you.

i say: yes i know, but funny… i can feel it but i can’t seem to own it.

-new order: everyone everywhere-

love liquidation

relationships are peculiar things. it is a microcosm of two in an overall bigger picture that unfortunately has huge repercussions, especially when the relationship goes south. breaking up not only takes two hearts into the void but along with it, creates a whole slew of new problems as well.

so over beer one night, conversations with me and my mates slowly changed from girls, politics and football to our relationships and break ups. it seems year ends are always a ‘good’ time for shit like that to happen. it happened to me and to a few of my mates, not to mention even two married fellas. one even already has a kid. bummer.

naturally we talked about splitting the money and shared belongings. how the fuck are you going to split that apartment fairly? that car? heck, that baby even? well cars and apartments can be liquidated i guess, but a kid?

and it seems love liquidation can be some scary business as well. a girl friend interjected that when she broke up, her ex demanded for money back for all the things he bought her. he even called her every-bloody-night to ‘gently remind’ her. until the point where some of her guys friends helped her to ‘persuade’ the offending bastard to back off for good. insane.

so love is only as good as the relationship stands, it seems, to many people.

for me, i dare say my love for them goes well beyond a relationship. i given and had left so many things to my exes because i can’t bear to take the things back and be reminded of them. i rather they take and use it anyways. what would i do with piles of La Senza and VS anyways. cross dress? fuck no *laughs* but yeah, sometimes i do think back and automatically calculate in my head the amount i spend on them and i can’t help but go ‘no way, it’s that much’? hey, i am chinese after all, i have numbers and figures running through my head all day. haha.

so, love liquidation. nasty business. definitely.

busy busy me

today.

three meetings for freelance jobs, a part time help-out-TGF work which i said yes to, some interviews and interviewee details to draft up. a few stories to co-write. a book to co-produce. many concurrent work which are not exactly raking in the dough i want but at least i am doing what i like.

and i guess in some ways that’s somewhat important too.

ok, i guess it’s time to buy some lotteries and toto and pray to lady luck for a much needed windfall, haha. yes, unfortunately, i am still very much a chinaman like that.

this is my real honesty

yes hawtwritermuse, with much truth and heartfelt honesty, i tell you this:

some days, like today… i really really miss you too…

Is it love?
No not love
She turns me sexual tricks
She says shes mine, I know she lies

-tricky feat. martina topley-bird: suffocated love-