the last hours of the last sunday

i’m trying to cram everything into this short weekend but i don’t think i can do it. went out with you. we tried to go everywhere and do everything but there’s just not enough hours in a day. i bought you stuff again, want to keep buying you more and more. i don’t deny that i am trying to buy you back. i know that won’t work. you’re not that kind of girl.

i don’t know. i feel confused.

i could be buying things for you, for the times i won’t be there in the future. but how do i cover those days/hours/weeks/months? i don’t think i can ever buy enough.

and thank you for that one last dinner with my parents. i haven’t told them yet. i will tell them in time. it would break their hearts. you know they love you so. you’ve already been so ingrained, intertwined in my life and theirs…

———————————————————————————

this will be our one last time, our last night together, this close. the smell and feel of your skin. i try to memorise it. burn it into my mind. your scars and blemishes. the crooked finger u broke during gymnast training, i love them all. your hair, i try to burn it into my retina, which way and how it falls over your right eye. how long/short/curly/straight/colored was it before you cut it to this length and style.

i reach over in the darkness, held your hands and you squeezed back tightly. i smiled but then i noticed you’re sleeping. sleep reflex maybe. i place my hand on your breast and feel your warmth and heartbeat. the smoothness of your skin. the sigh as i touch you gently. i closed my eyes and take in the heartbeats, so calm and soothing. my rhythmic lullaby. i count with it in my heart, 1…2…3… trying to sync my own heartbeats with yours.

dear, i want you to stay so so bad. i want a future with you so so much. i used hate. i used anger. i used tears. i used love. i used up everything i have in my arsenal but you’re still going away.

dear…

if you don’t love me anymore… why did you cry when i finally gave up and just said goodbye?

she’s just emotional

yea, i guess…

-stars: one more night-

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