Archive for November, 2008

the last hours of the last sunday

i’m trying to cram everything into this short weekend but i don’t think i can do it. went out with you. we tried to go everywhere and do everything but there’s just not enough hours in a day. i bought you stuff again, want to keep buying you more and more. i don’t deny that i am trying to buy you back. i know that won’t work. you’re not that kind of girl.

i don’t know. i feel confused.

i could be buying things for you, for the times i won’t be there in the future. but how do i cover those days/hours/weeks/months? i don’t think i can ever buy enough.

and thank you for that one last dinner with my parents. i haven’t told them yet. i will tell them in time. it would break their hearts. you know they love you so. you’ve already been so ingrained, intertwined in my life and theirs…

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this will be our one last time, our last night together, this close. the smell and feel of your skin. i try to memorise it. burn it into my mind. your scars and blemishes. the crooked finger u broke during gymnast training, i love them all. your hair, i try to burn it into my retina, which way and how it falls over your right eye. how long/short/curly/straight/colored was it before you cut it to this length and style.

i reach over in the darkness, held your hands and you squeezed back tightly. i smiled but then i noticed you’re sleeping. sleep reflex maybe. i place my hand on your breast and feel your warmth and heartbeat. the smoothness of your skin. the sigh as i touch you gently. i closed my eyes and take in the heartbeats, so calm and soothing. my rhythmic lullaby. i count with it in my heart, 1…2…3… trying to sync my own heartbeats with yours.

dear, i want you to stay so so bad. i want a future with you so so much. i used hate. i used anger. i used tears. i used love. i used up everything i have in my arsenal but you’re still going away.

dear…

if you don’t love me anymore… why did you cry when i finally gave up and just said goodbye?

she’s just emotional

yea, i guess…

-stars: one more night-

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one last act of love

thank you for this one last act of love (kindness?).

we looked so unreal in front of our friends. we’re so happy. i was truly happy. i never felt so in a long time. that love from you that has all but ebbed away, i felt it that night. if it was an act, i rather not think about it that way. i know it’s real, i know i felt it…

i sound like a broken record… but dear, you look so beautiful that night. you’re always beautiful to me. you know that. you know i always loved you for who you are…

i love you… i don’t know how much that word is worth now but know this: i heart wrenchingly soul crushingly love you…

i wish… oh i sell my soul to the devil for this night to last forever.

black friday

friday was turning out to be a great day.

meeting up with old friends for lunch and dinner. buying xmas presents for you. smiles. laughter. upbeat. i woke up with a clear mind. i want you. no matter what you say, i know what and i understand why.

and when you injected over the phone during our usual chat: did you read your email? i sent you an email my heart dropped…

i painfully knew what was in store, if it is something that you cannot say it to my face…

why

it’s been almost a year since i have stopped photog-ing and writing consistently. and before that i have been writing for years on tekhnikolorprojektor. it’s funny. because i love to write. i have so much to write. to say. to tell. but i can only do so when i am in the deepest, darkest point of my life.

trying to make heads and tails of things at the moment. of life, of work and of love. doesn’t help when the person i look towards to for support is taking her leave from my life.

don’t get me wrong, this is not a blame post. i understand the point she is putting through to me. but i can’t help but wonder… why was i not given a second chance? am i that horrible a person or what i did, which i am still trying to patch together and make sense of, is not worthy of a second try together?

why did we not tackle this slide when it was in its infancy? why did you not approach me and tell me the reasons? something that could be easily fixed, falls into utter disrepair. has reach a point of no return.

what we had was so good. well at least i think it was. i love you unconditionally, faults and all. i worship the ground you walked on. i would gladly give you my life.

i would do what you want, change what you don’t… but, you still insist on saying goodbye…

why…

-lightning seeds: lucky you-