Archive for January, 2008

one big step

sunday reflections.

one big step. resignation. relief. freedom. fear. failure. the shortcomings of humanity. the need to perform. the want to achieve. the fear of failing. it’s now or never, one of my muse said. go for it, said another muse. and so i did. i placed the letter down on the table, stood steadfast and refuse to stay. i need to do this, i tell them. and myself.

i’m taking a big leap and i’m afraid what the future has in store for me.

i guess i am pretty much human after all…

-the herbaliser: 40 winks (no sleep! vadim mix)-



and so we met. i was busy on my ndsl and you came up to greet me with a cheery hi. it was nice to meet you, in the flesh. finally. really. would be nice if we could stay till night fall and watch the lighted cruise ships sail across the harbour. would be nice if we could chill out with more kilkenny’s and get smashed to trip hop. but if that 1/2 hour is all that we could spare, then i’m happy with what i got.

by the way, please don’t let the aloofness fool you my dear. it is just my own personal portable protection ward kicking in…

-dj shadow: midnight in a perfect world- 

constant motion

sunday reflections. 

so things change at a phenomenal pace or maybe i’m just out of pace with everything else here myself. i come back to a same city that has the same skies but so different in so many ways. chengam. vivo. fort canning park. bencoolen. geylang. i used to but now i don’t feel at home here anymore. i don’t feel the warmth or the embrace, nor do i trust the shifts and nuances of the people here now. i was about to call this city state my home. well, maybe i will, one day…

-dream theater: constant motion-

these walls

funny how easily we build and tear down walls in between us. a nondescript nonverbal agreement. the locking of eyes and we know it’s time to bring out the anti emotional mortar and cold cold hearted bricks again. time to quickly cement and lay the foundation. time for one last look, one last goodbye. and we shall reluctantly walk in different opposite directions. 

funny how when we speak now, it’s so easy to be strangers. hi hello how are you hows work. all feels so damn unreal. so damn rigid and so damn cold. gone are the warm adoration and genuine smiles. now we’re like a rewind. rewind to the time we first met. guards up. arms down. emotions hidden. walls shown.

i miss you. i wish i never met you, so i won’t miss you this much. hope the sun shines where ever you go and may you be well and wonderful, always.

-explosions in the sky: inside it all feels the same-

choosing and being chosen

sunday reflections. 

she said: i chose you first. you had no interest in me but i chose you first and you, maybe, reluctantly picked me because she wasn’t around for you.

the art of choosing and being chosen is like a game. what you want will always, most probably won’t get. and what chooses you, you most likely won’t accept. most of the time, we’re sure of what we want. most of the time, we will get what we seek. but there’s always that rejectionwrench that life throws into that mix of soft fluffy clouds of love and adoration. hidden amongst all those loveadoration, hidden by the crest of those fluffiness, waiting to make you fall flat on your face. so don’t run through wantonly but instead tread carefully, for it is your own heart that you cradle in your arms. careful. please don’t trip and fall.

and she says… being chosen. reluctant acceptance. second choice. easy convenience.

regardless… no matter what, you shall learn to love me in return.

– death cab for cutie: someday you will be loved-

stop and stare


-digicamography, photoshop-

 we gotta get out of here

an unanimous grunting and nodding of heads follows the statement. awkward moment of silence follows. thinking thinking. how should we do it. how would we attempt to. where would we go. it’s always only thinking. toying with the ideas. too fucking afraid to move from this complacency. too fucking tired to try new things. eventhough in our hearts, we know we can do and deserve more than this. 

someone breaks the silence. cheers. laughters. clinking of german and irish beer bottles and we pushed the thought aside again till the next year comes.

…Stop and stare, I think I’m moving but I go nowhere…

-one republic: stop and stare-

today, last year

sunday reflections. 

first week (almost) into the new year. anticipation. pop, not bang. fizzle. sighs. maybe i expect too much. or i put in too little to deserve the amount i expected. so this is where the planning starts, and hopefully not fail a few months into the new year. there’s a lot more riding on my shoulders this time around and the prospects pretty much scares me. it’s not helping my frayed nerves that dad’s on a high failure venture. well call me a pessimist for saying that but personally i have no faith in trading but he does, so i have faith in him. i pray to the higher powers that be that he succeeds, for his and my mother’s sake.

so yeah, let’s see, this year i plan to:

+ kick off my own design studio +

+ kick off a tshirt/vinyl toy line +

+ start painting again +

+ shoot more stills +

+ shoot my art house films +

+ submit my works to art fest and art installations +

+ help some local band friends make their mtv +

+ join an gym and not quit after the first week +

+ cycle and rock climb again +

+ learn to cook better +

+ save money +

+ spend less +

+ get more skinart +

+ travel more +

fingers and toes crossed.

-depeche mode: walking in my shoes-