i stalk you

ling. how are you now? where are you now? do the years of silence not make you the least curious? do you not miss me? do you not wonder how i am now? would it be too self indulgent to say i miss you. oh how much it has grown over the years. into a gollum of longing.

do lovers not pine for the empty space, the gap between their arms where a body once rested to be filled once again? did your heart not beat in time next to mine when we lay like 6 and 9, like two perfect inverted commas, with our hands in each others grasp? was there no lovelectrocution when i ran my hands along your body? did my body not respond in kind when you did the same? was there no supernova heatwave emissions when you reached out to eagerly pull my body onto yours against the wall in that dark hallway where your family lay but only a door away? was there no electriclovearcs when we locked lips earnestly? why do you forever refuse this heart-throne-crown-nation that you once love-sat-wore-ruled and suddenly refused so hastily?

our memories are like a fragile film. i run it a thousand times through my mindmemoryprojectors till the emulsions wear thin, scratching it till the picture blurs and the color eventually fades. and i sit here grasping at whatever fast fading memories i have left of those times you spent with me. those three short nights, three lifetimes, replaying it endlessly. i am still at lost at how and how far i fell from your grace. we were never out of sync. but now, you’re always just slightly out of my reach. out of sub atomic sync vibration with my longing molecules. so thus, i appear to not exist to you and you, to me.

so tell me bunny, what is this impossible deathgripvicehold you have over me, my heart and my soul? my muse, my heartbreaker muse. i stalk your writings and your photography with impossible fervor. reading about you, your life and looking through these snapshots is as close as i am allowed to be with you. so tell me, am i only worthy to be relegated to the level of a faceless online stalker? ling, i would settle for something less. just please cut through this years of silence. do it for an old friend, if not a lover. for it has grown into a suffocating cancer, that is still eating at me, even after all these years.

-hooverphonic: shake the disease(depeche mode cover)-

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    • Anaesthesia
    • November 4th, 2007

    pedobear… it’s emo sunday again, isn’t it? someone here on borneo island misses you.

    • .gothikt.
    • November 5th, 2007

    you have been missed too, ana. i have not seen you in ages.

    pedobear? *laughs* you can’t call me that anymore y’know. you’re legal now, haha.

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