weekend reflections

8am. haven’t slept a wink. its funny how sundays are like rewinds. rewinds of the days, weeks, months, the years. i get rewinds of the hearts mostly. today the rewind was about you again.

i sit in the bed and i could never get used this expanse of space next to me where once your body lay. i’m so used to turning around and having your soft, warm body already there for me to spoon. your soothing heartbeats grasped firmly in my palm as i place my hand on your breast. the slow rhythmic rising and falling of your chest. the way your eyes fly open, and you smile and look at me with the most amazing hazel eyes. the way you sigh-nuzzle me on the side of my face with your nose as you mouth a whispered husky ‘good morning baby’. sexy. adorable.

so now i sit in our bed with a lighted cigarette between my fingers. i spaced out longer than i wanted to and the ashes fell onto your favorite duvet. i hurriedly pat it away. i know how you hate it when i smoke in bed and get the ashes all around. i frantically try to clean it up but then i remembered, why bother… you don’t sleep here anymore.

yeah, i’m still getting used to it after so long. funny how the years have passed but i still feel like it was yesterday. the duvet? I can hardly bring myself to toss it out. do you remember, that was the very first duvet we picked out together at ikea. after you pulled me close and whispered earnestly that you’d love to move in with me when i asked you to. i was overjoyed and ecstatic. and you were grinning from ear to ear like the cheshire cat.

well don’t worry, i do wash it often. but after the umpteenth time in the washing machine, how it hurts me that your smell no longer lingers on it. the distinct waft of elizabeth arden’s green tea. your moisturizer. your shampoo. the smell of your sex and sweat. there’s only the taint of soap powder, bleach and ozone now.

yeah, me. wash. i bet you’ll be surprised. i’m sorry that it was so hard to get me off my butt to help you with the household chores. people lose an arm or leg and they learn to cope with it. they move on. and here, i still have my arms and legs, i just lost a big chunk of my heart, that’s all. that shouldn’t disrupt my daily functionality much right? and so i learn to wash the laundry, iron, sweep/mop the floor. sorry. sorry how i take those little things you did for granted until i did it myself.

i sincerely hope you’re happy now wherever you are.

-tamia: officially missing you-

  1. Deep reflections. Go get some sun.

    • .gothikt.
    • October 29th, 2007

    you talking about going out to get some sun… when can i look forward to catching some fun in the sun with you in your swift little red mobile, eh? *laughs*

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