.where have all your colors gone?.
i just want to be happy sans ethanol, herbal or chemical intervention. i just want to be financially secure again, i would even work hard for it.
and i just want the person i love to love me back. maybe not the same, there can never be an equal amount anyways. i have been playing the game far too many times to not know that fact. heck, i would even settle for something less…
those are pure and simple requests right? so, fucking a., seriously… is that too much to ask?
a few hours into day two and i’m already thrown off the deep end. i got projects heaped onto me like there is no tomorrow. three which is actually just a walk in the park but the one major international project is the one that is keeping me on my toes. i don’t mind. work keeps me busy, keeps my mind on track.
keeps my mind off her for the moment, and i really need that…
so this is it. nose to the screen and hand on the mouse, grinding 10-12 hours easy on five hectic weekdays. endless team meetings, endless stream of email forwards and updates. not to mention working back at home after getting off work. working on the weekends. brainstorming, flow charting and media planning on sunday afternoons back at the office with the team. repeat cycle come monday. yep, seems like i have gotten myself back into the agency mode. and in some perverse way, i enjoy this organised chaos.
so these few days was pretty much a whirlwind ride, getting to know the key people in the team hierarchy better, sorting out who gets to be on what and getting into the grinding mode. and unfortunately, my dearest ‘wife’ has chosen now to leave the company. bugger. so for the moment, i am doing my own copy as well as ad-ing. ugh. i reckon i should ask for double pay, yes? heh.
as much as i like to write, and i can write but i am not a creative writer in that sense, per se. so now i am in the midst of looking for a replacement. and it is quite hard for me really, because i tend to look at looks first over credentials. especially so when i have a stack of cv to go through and i am spoiled for choice. hence the whetting out process shall be left to the creative director. haha.
so anybody knows any copywriter that is looking for a job?
the scope of work is pretty simple actually, you will be doing mainly writings for online contents. fresh out of tertiary schoolers please apply. this will be a good launching platform for you. so yeah, don’t be shy. write in or hook me up with anybody you know that needs a job or wants a change in scenery, with their resume of course, to the above left email.
zoe, i wish you the best of luck wherever you go and whatever you do…
and so it begins. the first day of a new beginning.
slightly nervous and elated. in the car, i run through the introduction speech that i hastily scribbled up the night before in my head a hundred times. i practice into the rear view mirror; trying to tweak my words, intonations and nuances so it does not feel authoritative and rigid. shall i attempt to joke to lighten the moment? hmm, i foresee this will not be easy…
as the elevator doors opened, i walked out, took a deep breath and walk through the auto doors with a big friendly smile on my face.
hey you, don’t fuck this up. this is easy for you. you can definitely pull this off.
yes, the plans are truly in motion now but the reason to this that i do is all but missing. and i really wonder why? the suddenness of it all. no reasons, no explanations. i did no wrong, or did i? did i give you too much love, respect and space? have i been not forceful enough? have i rationed my love and emotions, wanted and demanded, would you still be here? but then gorgeous you were always a focused and headstrong woman. i am sure if i reverted to my hard mode with you, it would be a catastrophe yes? *smiles*
if things did not happen the way they did. if you are still here. this would definitely be a happy and wonderful day indeed. i am sure you would have bought me shirts for work, like you would every time you fly. you would have dressed me up the way you said you wanted to, made sure that i looked good and my dressing is immaculate. you would have trimmed and tousled my hair, and made sure i sport that grungy half shave that you liked.
we would then have had breakfast at the corner coffee shop. you always loved your daily ritual of old school ‘kopi peng’ and ’siu meen pau’. you would have looked into my eyes, held my hands and reassured me that today will be a perfect day. you would have hugged me tightly, kissed and wished me good luck a dozen times.
and i am sure you would have been more anxious than i would be. you would definitely drop by for lunch immediately later, all excited, with your 30 questions *smiles*
so many ifs. if things did not happen the way they did, but they did happen. i keep waiting for the phone to ring and your voice at the other end of the line to wish me good luck. but i have already steeled myself to not expect anything.
today i run through a gamut of emotions. i am happy, anxious and also in some ways, i feel an immense heavy sadness in my heart but i push that aside. negativity shows on the face and it is not a good first impression. no sir. so i step through the auto doors with my head held high. i mirrored every smile and absorbed every handshake in stride.
secretly, i am still doing this for an us. i know i should not but i want to hold on to some resemblance of hope until i hear something, anything from you. this hoping drives me forward. it gives a meaning to what i am doing. i guess i am a stubborn fool like that. but in truth, i know i am better off doing this for myself. so i must keep telling myself that…
this here, this is for one now…
-digicamography, photoshop-
where’s the good old 4-20 heroes (and heroines) and the inkandsteel heads when you need them. i guess i myself am to blame. in some ways i detest how i can get lost in work/love/life and neglect the other side of the coin: my friendships. and it is bad that i can only remember and need them when my priorities are not around. sometimes people just can’t be arsed to stay and wait. no hate or blame there. it’s just life. people come and go. love comes and go. work too. everything is fleeting…
i heart you and your kick ass tattoos dropkickjudy. ‘hate’ on your left hand, ‘love’ on your right. you would always say: chug down the hate and smoke up the love.
and i would always add: life’s too short to be ‘left hating’ and waiting for the ‘right love’ to come along. remember when i told you that your knuckle tattoos gave me an idea. if me and her worked out, i would ink a wedding band on my left hand and g.’s name on my right knuckles. you nodded vigorously and smiled your happy smile when i said that. you said if you were her, you would be so touched. you would marry me there and then if i asked.
hearing you say that made me smile and gave me hope.
but now, now i am not too sure anymore, judy…
so anybody need a drinking and smoking buddy?
we could talk about cars, travel, the weather and movies. we could people watch. or if you want, we could always discuss about the five theories of quantum physics. or ‘argue’ over the pros and cons of libertarian socialism. or debate over the existence of freud’s id, ego and super-ego.
or we could always share our personal stories of love and heartbreaks. dissect the poems of pablo neruda. or lucretius’s sensation and sex. or what is this sensuous attraction of the youthful in nabokov’s lolita. or how the fetishism in de sade’s writings is a reflection of a hidden want in all of us.
as you can see, we can talk about a lot of things.
or we can just sit…
and enjoy the company of each other…
sunday reflections.
i want to be back in langkawi, sneaking into a restricted beach and floating on the turquoise waters while a royal navy cruiser sails in the distance. I want to be back in koh samui, relishing the night life, mingling with pretty street walkers and inebriated ang mohs. I want to be back in hanoi, eating beef noodles and drinking vietnamese beer on lounge chairs by the roadside as a thousand motorbikes zoom by. i want to be back in bali, hanging out by the roadside, busking with the locals while the smell of babi guling wafts in from the stalls nearby. i want to be back in singapore, chilling out in a coffee joint watching the busy singaporeans rush by while I bide my time.
i want those stillness in time to never unpause while I sit here, static and everything moves around me wreathed in motion blur, illuminated by the yellow-orange glow of the street lamps.
three am. driving, driving. aimless. i turn. stop. move. directionless. and i unknowingly drove myself to where you live. hesitate. this subconscious push. the need to search for you.
i pause and look around. all is dark, still and silent in the hour of the wolf.
i pondered momentarily and turned away.
so near yet so far…
-digicamography, photoshop-
hello old girl.
haven’t seen you in a long time, my poor neglected girlfriend. no i have not forgotten about you. it’s just that i have many things on my mind and life has been rather unkind to me.
i am sorry. i know you will understand.
it is time to haul you out of cold storage. time to wipe off years of gathered dust. time to re-string and re-tune you.
so… shall we get acquainted again? hi. these fingers are old, creaky and rusty, and i have forgotten how to hold most of your chords. please excuse me if i am clumsy and i hurt you. i am sure in time i can make you sing again.
give me a chance. let’s start over from the beginning shall we?
-jason mraz: summer breeze (seals and croft cover)-
i dislike being locked in a box. or maybe i am just locking myself in, waiting, existing. i guess it’s a self-entanglement, this… verschränkung.
and if you don’t open the box in time, i guess eventually i will be two different kinds of dead anyways.
just like the poor cat.
i think Schrödinger must be rolling in his grave seeing his quantum-physics paradox theory applied to a relationship, heh.
excuse the mindfuck, it’s the longing geekheart talking tonight.
silly wabbit, what possessed you to think that by doing what you are doing now would make things better? you going incommunicado just adds to my worries and doubt, and puts many more unanswerable questions into my head. speak to me. explain to me. tell me the reasons for your actions. please, that is all i ask.
if you’re going, at least let me know. or are you still holding on, being selfish again like you said you would be?
i know i am the least of your worries right now, and i am not sore at all. you have so many things in your life to sort out. so i guess i am already far far away from your mind; as i was afraid i would to be. if you think by playing this subterfuge and locking me out is the best path to take, then so be it. you know i will always respect your wishes.
take care of yourself tgm, i hope you sort things out, get what you want done and move out, move on with your life.
you know i will be here.
i wish you well, always…
the happier moments in life. nights like these reminds me of my younger, simpler times.
the highlight of the mid autumn festival are the lanterns. and of course this is the only one night, other than chinese new year, that we get to play with open flames. what child can resist setting things on fire? in my case, it is my inner one *grins*
so here i am surrounded by the neighbors’ children, but being called uncle now instead of kor kor does taking some getting used to.
i guess i can’t deny the fact that i am getting old and maybe the paternal instinct is starting to kick in. god forbid me for saying this but i do find some of these kids endearing. especially that adorable little girl of three years old with her pink fuzzy pigtails, tottering about with her battery operated musical lantern. bright eyed and bushy tailed, way past her bedtime, laughing and smiling with all the rest of the big brothers and sisters.
tgm, i could imagine her mine, ours…
so yea, hail to the moon, baby. not really a mooncake eating person but the little pyromaniac in me cannot resist the call of an open flame. so here’s to wishing 中秋节快乐 to everybody that celebrates it. let that little fire starter in you out and literary burn some lanterns while you’re at it. they always seems to catch fire easily, i wonder why.
-陶喆:月亮代表谁的心-
and then suddenly, october rolled into picture. all sneaky like, it catches me off guard. ten of twelve. and a new start soon. second day of a new month and the timer really starts picking up speed now. two more weeks till i start my new work. two more weeks of occasional drinking with the people i am to work with, rubbing shoulders and getting to know them better. two more weeks to sort the things that are still pending over here at my own set up. two more weeks to brush up on my rusty skills and hopefully pick up a few new ones on the way. two more weeks of running through tutorials and reading up on guide books. feels like one of those long assignment nights in art school again…
two more weeks, to add to the two and two, that i last saw you…
hey you, take care of yourself.
..i.love.you..
