october chases september who in turn chases august around the trees, playing hide and seek. their laughter ringing in my ears. their happiness, genuine. their smiles, brighter than sunshine. august the eldest, so beautiful and happy. she is the prettiest of them all. september, a shadow of emotions. she bears a burden in her heart. october but a child, innocent in so many ways. baby steps. she is learning. in time she will pick up all she needs to know from her sisters. she will grow up, move on and change, like all seasons should…

august august in you i will trust. august is bohemian. a happy soul. a free spirit. a lover of i. she adores me with the seconds and the hours and the days that she is made with. and in turn, i love her with every fiber of my mortal being. i thoughtlessly gave her my heart and she eagerly devours it whole, so it can sit next to hers. two as one, beating in unison.

september september i’ll love you forever. she is full of disappointments and angst but she readily accepts the fact that she has to learn to move on. being left in the cold once too many times, she is used to it but it doesn’t make it any easier when it happens again. she falls down, picks herself up, brushes off the dirt and walk away as she always will. i look in her eyes and i understand her. she places her hand on my chest where my heart used to be. and she nods, because she understands me…

october october a promise to remember. a new beginning without you, learning to cope with the emptiness. like a little child who is waiting on a promise, she doesn’t know. she sits patiently. she hopes. she waits. and in time as children do, she will forget and move on. she will get up and run along. i look at her and i smile but she frowns at me. but i am sure sooner or later, she will learn how to smile back…

they suddenly stopped chasing each other, laughed and looked back at me from behind the trees. knowing eyes that tells me wait wait, two more sister and this twelve will be gone. will you remember us? will you miss us?

so… will you remember me? remember the us? will you miss me? on some days like today, for no reason at all, my heart misses you like crazy.

-nina simone: since i fell for you-

bleah. another crazy week. and this is just the beginning. there’s a milestone deadline on friday, a rush to put together a very important presentation pitch. a one year project, every year, for the next ten years. hopefully.

i don’t mind slogging, really. i am a slave to the art. i enjoy designing and i like the long hours.  seriously, i hope the project goes through or else i am going to be majorly pissed for all the work and time the team and i has already put in.

also, i have not got my random weekly ethanol infusion yet. and for today’s workload i think it is time for one, so i shall hit the pub downstairs…

-digicamography, photoshop-

sunday reflections.

today.

something amateurish. something whimsical. hastily scribbled on to coffee stained serviettes while lounging at my favorite neighborhood yuppie caffeine joint. me at my corner table, watching the world go by as the skies comes down in a long and lazy precipitation.

it’s just one of those sundays…

hey gorgeous, i looked at the calendar and just recalled something from a long time ago: you have a dance on tonight yes?

i wish you the best of luck. hope all your practices went well. i still remember the times that you were so eager to show me your moves. when you twirled and pirouetted in my room. i would sit and watch from my bed as you danced circles around me and my heart. amazed. the beautiful flygirl is also an accomplished dancer.

may everything be smooth and flawless tonight. you go g., dance circles around the rest and blow everybody away.

they will love you.

*smiles*
——————————————————————————————————————————-

good god, i can still taste yesterday’s black label in my burp and it’s 6 pm now. in a few hours time, i have another session to go to. seriously, i never knew there can be such a thing as too much alcohol in so few days. and by me saying ‘too much alcohol’ means there is something wrong. i guess i must really be getting old. boo.

so this weekend is brutal, in a ‘my-head-feels-like-a truck-ran-over-it-and-i-wake-up-totally-not-remembering-yesterday’ kind of way and sometimes being a no-lifer with stacking work and random thoughts of you floating through my head, this mind fog is a good thing…

in some ways, it is true, most guys would love a girlfriend that can play pool.

but one thing is for sure, i totally suck at it. and i was up against a pool shark by the name of lisa. i must admit, i was thoroughly and totally trashed in some 9-ball drinking games. much to the amusement of my friends. assholes.

but she had the good grace of showing me some mercy and saving me from a few glasses of black label by missing her shots on purpose, no doubt. because that cheeky grin and sly smiles tells a thousand words.

damn, i need some pool school as soon as possible. because she promised me something if i can kick her ass the next time i play with her. something that is good enough motivation to make me pick up the game, permanently.

every year is the same old story this time of october. last week of the month is a gauntlet of ethanol that i must traverse. a few hectic days filled with copious amount of boozing, merry making and new acquaintances that are wonderfully fun.

i looked across the table at you just because you are the type of girl that i could so fall in love with. and to my surprise, you acknowledged my adoring glances with quizzical frowns and heart stopping smiles. my girl friend next to me whispered into my ear: she is the type of girl a man would definitely marry anytime. i nodded at her and smiled.

so, what are you doing here hl.? you are so out of place. your prim and proper self. your amazingly good features. your perfectly groomed hair, pinned back into place. your immaculate dressing and impeccable style, compared to the skanked up women around us.  you look like you should be at a proper function instead of this seedy club. baby, you are a good girl in a bad place.

i may not know your boyfriend, because he is a friend’s friend. but i am sure in a different time and place, i would have slipped you my phone number and taken you to a much better place than this. and i would have definitely used that time to know you better.

is it wrong to be attracted to someone else girlfriend? i am sure it is not, especially when they’re as amazingly graceful and beautiful as you are…

so tempted to slip you my number. but i shall not. he deserves to be happy, with a wonderful woman like you.

i hope he takes you for granted, and i have the chance to meet you again. because you have captured my heart unknowingly with your constant look backs. and i am sure i did not misread your smiles.

-david guetta: love is gone-

i find it oh so cute that exes can always bitch about your current and your current can always bitch about your exes. or your past exes bitch about your current exes. even on a daily basis, my girlfriend(s), she/they can bitch about another girlfriend(s), and vice versa.

damn, girls can be so vicious. but i find that agitation so endearing. all those waving limbs and crazy fast, high pitched voices. so much passion used just for spite. do you all know you can be so adorable when you are focused on something? *laughs*

i know you, you, you and you still care. and i thank you from the bottom of my heart…

that is why i let you all have pieces of me still *smiles*

<3

old conversations. sunday reflections.

she said: hey, would you take me to bangkok one day? i always wanted to go there. i have flown to many cities but i have never actually been to bangkok, can you believe that?

he said: really? bangkok was never one of your destinations? yea i guess a hawt lead stewardess like you only gets the ‘atas’ destinations like japan, europe and south america huh? *laughs* so, you really wanna go? ok then, sure. i got a lot of friends there that could take us around. you know i will take you anywhere you want, gorgeous.

she said: really? anywhere? then bangkok it is, one day soon. promise? *grins*

he said: yep… definitely *smiles* i will take you anywhere and go everywhere with you…

it might not matter anymore now… but it is a promise, nonetheless…

-digicamography, photoshop-

i rarely take the train anymore nowadays. and on occasions that i do, i try and keep a look out for you but i have not seen you again since. do you remember that we traded smiles once upon a long time ago? we could loosely be considered as an acquaintance of sorts. we meet often enough to acknowledge each others’ presence but we have never actually spoken. maybe we wanted to, but i guess the want was not strong enough to make us follow through with our feelings.

you in your corner seat with your head bopping, mouthing lyrics silently to the songs playing on your ipod. me on the other opposite end, with my face buried in my book. i look up occasionally to steal glances at you. and perhaps you noticed, so you stole glances of your own too. and when our eyes crossed path, we hurriedly exchanged clumsy smiles and you look away all flustered and red faced.

gosh, you are so damn cute. but then i guess i have a huge crush-thing for geek girls like you in black framed emo glasses *smiles*

‘you are not the one i want…’

those are not the exact words i said but it was pretty much somewhere along those lines. harsh i know but you can’t really sugar coat a rejection can you? at the end of it all, it is still a thorn wrapped with words, a candy coated bitter pill. i looked up from my coffee and tried to scan her face for some, any emotion. for a break in the stone cold silence between us, punctuated only by the occasional tinkle of the doorbell as customers walked in and out of the bistro.

there was none.

maybe she’s just as good at hiding her hurt as she is being sunshiny happy all the time. being the positive friend, always trying to cheer me up. always saying good things, feeding my heart. i know. i know but i refuse to accept her advances. because she is not the one.

and suddenly she smiled a smile that i have never seen before. A painful smile,  ‘but she’s not being fair to you is she? why do you wait? she is missing seth. she is selfish. and now… now you’re being selfish to m-… to yourself…’

i have no reply to that. i just sighed and shook my head. i guess i am indeed selfish, as she says. I am selfish, like her to me. I refuse to let her go, and in some ways, i refuse to let this go too. i know i am unfairly leeching off this but this here… she refuses to let go as well…

sometimes there are lines that should not be crossed. and unfortunately i value you more as a good friend. how i tiptoed around the topic when you approached it earnestly. how i pretended when you were forward.  i know, with our words said, there can be no turning back. i might even lose you as a friend now. but my dear, i cannot love you the way you want me to love you.

oh what a messed up circle we paint ourselves in to…