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bleah. another crazy week. and this is just the beginning. there’s a milestone deadline on friday, a rush to put together a very important presentation pitch. a one year project, every year, for the next ten years. hopefully.
i don’t mind slogging, really. i am a slave to the art. i enjoy designing and i like the long hours. seriously, i hope the project goes through or else i am going to be majorly pissed for all the work and time the team and i has already put in.
also, i have not got my random weekly ethanol infusion yet. and for today’s workload i think it is time for one, so i shall hit the pub downstairs…
in some ways, it is true, most guys would love a girlfriend that can play pool.
but one thing is for sure, i totally suck at it. and i was up against a pool shark by the name of lisa. i must admit, i was thoroughly and totally trashed in some 9-ball drinking games. much to the amusement of my friends. assholes.
but she had the good grace of showing me some mercy and saving me from a few glasses of black label by missing her shots on purpose, no doubt. because that cheeky grin and sly smiles tells a thousand words.
damn, i need some pool school as soon as possible. because she promised me something if i can kick her ass the next time i play with her. something that is good enough motivation to make me pick up the game, permanently.
every year is the same old story this time of october. last week of the month is a gauntlet of ethanol that i must traverse. a few hectic days filled with copious amount of boozing, merry making and new acquaintances that are wonderfully fun.
i looked across the table at you just because you are the type of girl that i could so fall in love with. and to my surprise, you acknowledged my adoring glances with quizzical frowns and heart stopping smiles. my girl friend next to me whispered into my ear: she is the type of girl a man would definitely marry anytime. i nodded at her and smiled.
so, what are you doing here hl.? you are so out of place. your prim and proper self. your amazingly good features. your perfectly groomed hair, pinned back into place. your immaculate dressing and impeccable style, compared to the skanked up women around us. you look like you should be at a proper function instead of this seedy club. baby, you are a good girl in a bad place.
i may not know your boyfriend, because he is a friend’s friend. but i am sure in a different time and place, i would have slipped you my phone number and taken you to a much better place than this. and i would have definitely used that time to know you better.
is it wrong to be attracted to someone else girlfriend? i am sure it is not, especially when they’re as amazingly graceful and beautiful as you are…
so tempted to slip you my number. but i shall not. he deserves to be happy, with a wonderful woman like you.
i hope he takes you for granted, and i have the chance to meet you again. because you have captured my heart unknowingly with your constant look backs. and i am sure i did not misread your smiles.
-david guetta: love is gone-
i find it oh so cute that exes can always bitch about your current and your current can always bitch about your exes. or your past exes bitch about your current exes. even on a daily basis, my girlfriend(s), she/they can bitch about another girlfriend(s), and vice versa.
damn, girls can be so vicious. but i find that agitation so endearing. all those waving limbs and crazy fast, high pitched voices. so much passion used just for spite. do you all know you can be so adorable when you are focused on something? *laughs*
i know you, you, you and you still care. and i thank you from the bottom of my heart…
that is why i let you all have pieces of me still *smiles*
<3
-digicamography, photoshop-
i rarely take the train anymore nowadays. and on occasions that i do, i try and keep a look out for you but i have not seen you again since. do you remember that we traded smiles once upon a long time ago? we could loosely be considered as an acquaintance of sorts. we meet often enough to acknowledge each others’ presence but we have never actually spoken. maybe we wanted to, but i guess the want was not strong enough to make us follow through with our feelings.
you in your corner seat with your head bopping, mouthing lyrics silently to the songs playing on your ipod. me on the other opposite end, with my face buried in my book. i look up occasionally to steal glances at you. and perhaps you noticed, so you stole glances of your own too. and when our eyes crossed path, we hurriedly exchanged clumsy smiles and you look away all flustered and red faced.
gosh, you are so damn cute. but then i guess i have a huge crush-thing for geek girls like you in black framed emo glasses *smiles*
‘you are not the one i want…’
those are not the exact words i said but it was pretty much somewhere along those lines. harsh i know but you can’t really sugar coat a rejection can you? at the end of it all, it is still a thorn wrapped with words, a candy coated bitter pill. i looked up from my coffee and tried to scan her face for some, any emotion. for a break in the stone cold silence between us, punctuated only by the occasional tinkle of the doorbell as customers walked in and out of the bistro.
there was none.
maybe she’s just as good at hiding her hurt as she is being sunshiny happy all the time. being the positive friend, always trying to cheer me up. always saying good things, feeding my heart. i know. i know but i refuse to accept her advances. because she is not the one.
and suddenly she smiled a smile that i have never seen before. A painful smile, ‘but she’s not being fair to you is she? why do you wait? she is missing seth. she is selfish. and now… now you’re being selfish to m-… to yourself…’
i have no reply to that. i just sighed and shook my head. i guess i am indeed selfish, as she says. I am selfish, like her to me. I refuse to let her go, and in some ways, i refuse to let this go too. i know i am unfairly leeching off this but this here… she refuses to let go as well…
sometimes there are lines that should not be crossed. and unfortunately i value you more as a good friend. how i tiptoed around the topic when you approached it earnestly. how i pretended when you were forward. i know, with our words said, there can be no turning back. i might even lose you as a friend now. but my dear, i cannot love you the way you want me to love you.
oh what a messed up circle we paint ourselves in to…
i just want to be happy sans ethanol, herbal or chemical intervention. i just want to be financially secure again, i would even work hard for it.
and i just want the person i love to love me back. maybe not the same, there can never be an equal amount anyways. i have been playing the game far too many times to not know that fact. heck, i would even settle for something less…
those are pure and simple requests right? so, fucking a., seriously… is that too much to ask?
a few hours into day two and i’m already thrown off the deep end. i got projects heaped onto me like there is no tomorrow. three which is actually just a walk in the park but the one major international project is the one that is keeping me on my toes. i don’t mind. work keeps me busy, keeps my mind on track.
keeps my mind off her for the moment, and i really need that…
so this is it. nose to the screen and hand on the mouse, grinding 10-12 hours easy on five hectic weekdays. endless team meetings, endless stream of email forwards and updates. not to mention working back at home after getting off work. working on the weekends. brainstorming, flow charting and media planning on sunday afternoons back at the office with the team. repeat cycle come monday. yep, seems like i have gotten myself back into the agency mode. and in some perverse way, i enjoy this organised chaos.
so these few days was pretty much a whirlwind ride, getting to know the key people in the team hierarchy better, sorting out who gets to be on what and getting into the grinding mode. and unfortunately, my dearest ‘wife’ has chosen now to leave the company. bugger. so for the moment, i am doing my own copy as well as ad-ing. ugh. i reckon i should ask for double pay, yes? heh.
as much as i like to write, and i can write but i am not a creative writer in that sense, per se. so now i am in the midst of looking for a replacement. and it is quite hard for me really, because i tend to look at looks first over credentials. especially so when i have a stack of cv to go through and i am spoiled for choice. hence the whetting out process shall be left to the creative director. haha.
so anybody knows any copywriter that is looking for a job?
the scope of work is pretty simple actually, you will be doing mainly writings for online contents. fresh out of tertiary schoolers please apply. this will be a good launching platform for you. so yeah, don’t be shy. write in or hook me up with anybody you know that needs a job or wants a change in scenery, with their resume of course, to the above left email.
zoe, i wish you the best of luck wherever you go and whatever you do…
-digicamography, photoshop-
where’s the good old 4-20 heroes (and heroines) and the inkandsteel heads when you need them. i guess i myself am to blame. in some ways i detest how i can get lost in work/love/life and neglect the other side of the coin: my friendships. and it is bad that i can only remember and need them when my priorities are not around. sometimes people just can’t be arsed to stay and wait. no hate or blame there. it’s just life. people come and go. love comes and go. work too. everything is fleeting…
i heart you and your kick ass tattoos dropkickjudy. ‘hate’ on your left hand, ‘love’ on your right. you would always say: chug down the hate and smoke up the love.
and i would always add: life’s too short to be ‘left hating’ and waiting for the ‘right love’ to come along. remember when i told you that your knuckle tattoos gave me an idea. if me and her worked out, i would ink a wedding band on my left hand and g.’s name on my right knuckles. you nodded vigorously and smiled your happy smile when i said that. you said if you were her, you would be so touched. you would marry me there and then if i asked.
hearing you say that made me smile and gave me hope.
but now, now i am not too sure anymore, judy…
so anybody need a drinking and smoking buddy?
we could talk about cars, travel, the weather and movies. we could people watch. or if you want, we could always discuss about the five theories of quantum physics. or ‘argue’ over the pros and cons of libertarian socialism. or debate over the existence of freud’s id, ego and super-ego.
or we could always share our personal stories of love and heartbreaks. dissect the poems of pablo neruda. or lucretius’s sensation and sex. or what is this sensuous attraction of the youthful in nabokov’s lolita. or how the fetishism in de sade’s writings is a reflection of a hidden want in all of us.
as you can see, we can talk about a lot of things.
or we can just sit…
and enjoy the company of each other…
sunday reflections.
i want to be back in langkawi, sneaking into a restricted beach and floating on the turquoise waters while a royal navy cruiser sails in the distance. I want to be back in koh samui, relishing the night life, mingling with pretty street walkers and inebriated ang mohs. I want to be back in hanoi, eating beef noodles and drinking vietnamese beer on lounge chairs by the roadside as a thousand motorbikes zoom by. i want to be back in bali, hanging out by the roadside, busking with the locals while the smell of babi guling wafts in from the stalls nearby. i want to be back in singapore, chilling out in a coffee joint watching the busy singaporeans rush by while I bide my time.
i want those stillness in time to never unpause while I sit here, static and everything moves around me wreathed in motion blur, illuminated by the yellow-orange glow of the street lamps.
three am. driving, driving. aimless. i turn. stop. move. directionless. and i unknowingly drove myself to where you live. hesitate. this subconscious push. the need to search for you.
i pause and look around. all is dark, still and silent in the hour of the wolf.
i pondered momentarily and turned away.
so near yet so far…
