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yes. that is how i am. forever on impulse drive. stuck a notch below light speed.
my inertial dampers are shot, sending me hurtling way ahead of myself. my time dilation are all out of sync, wait was that a smile or a frown? a yes or a no? the heat of a sensual chamber or the coldness of the deep space vacuum? and do not even talk about my energy conservation. i use up so much for the hyper chase that i do not have enough energy left, even in my reserve banks, to pull myself out of this black hole’s death grip.
credits deducted. interstellar tickets processed. wrong choice? right move? oh what the hell. let us go for a ride then. we shall see where this astro path leads me.
talk about a trans-galactic roller coaster ride. up up up and now down down down. and i have not even caught my breath yet. her pretty smiles still holocasted on my cyber optic retina, her infectious laughs still rumbling in my titanium cochlea and i am already hurtling down at top speed into the gravity well of this black hole heart.
well, it is time to jack the ancient mixtapes into the aural projection device. if this is a ride into oblivion, then i feel like some ‘voodoo chile’ coming.
well my arrows are made of desire
from far away as jupiter’s sulphur mines
say my arrows are made of desire, desire
from far away as jupiter’s sulphur mines
(way down by the methane sea, yeah)
-jimi hendrix: voodoo chile-
one. singularity. alone. afraid. tired. dark. fear. wound. gaping. swallow. black. hole.
sleep. sleep. sleep.
sweet. sweet. sweet.
zopiclone.
embrace.
love.
Now I am alone. O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! Is it not monstrous that this player here, But in a fiction, in a dream of passion, Could force his soul so to his own conceit That from her working all his visage wann’d, Tears in his eyes, distraction in’s aspect, A broken voice, and his whole function suiting With forms to his conceit? and all for nothing! For Hecuba! What’s Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba, That he should weep for her? What would he do, Had he the motive and the cue for passion That I have? He would drown the stage with tears And cleave the general ear with horrid speech, Make mad the guilty and appal the free, Confound the ignorant, and amaze indeed The very faculties of eyes and ears.
-Hamlet Act 2, Scene 2:-
happy birthday jim, you will always be my lizard king.
-the doors: light my fire-
a rule of thumb my dear, little reds should never dance with big bad wolves.
or in your case, since you are such a SW geek: young padawans like you should never tutelage under sith lords like me *smiles*
why do they always get younger as i grow older? i’ve always always drawn the line at single digit age gap, but now it seems i am slowly creeping into the double figure already.
ok heart, let us keep it platonic.
do not reciprocate.
do not reciprocate.
do not reciprocate.
shit. i just got jedi mind tricked. strong is the force in this one *grins*
seriously. fuck this heart of mine. slice it up into ribbons with a lightsaber. really.
-digicamography, photoshop-
Sunday reflections.
and destroy you did.
-ladytron: destroy everything you touch-
just a request.
stop listening to my type of music. i can’t believe you are into NIN and APC. that is just so unlady-like you know. stop saying you play the bass guitar, like me, even though i know you really do. stop quoting from sandman or sharing your hellboy comic book collection with me. stop using words like mana bar, area of effect, damage over time, ion cannon, wormhole and warpdrive in your conversations with me. how the heck do you even know how to apply those words into a sentence and actually make it mean something? and stop wearing that white singlet and blue jeans. i had to look away, you are driving me insane.
stop stop stop stop.
can you please stop being so perfect? seriously. it’s a battle trying to not like you more than i already do. really.
*smiles*
-blur: battle-
-digicamography, photoshop-
she said: christmas is coming. oh i can’t wait. the decors, the shopping, the gift opening. so much fun. do you like christmas?
he said: it’s okay i guess. i don’t mind christmas.
she said: don’t mind?
he said: yeah, i don’t mind. i tolerate holidays, i don’t enjoy it. well maybe i do because it’s a break from work. but holidays only serves to reminds you that you are alone.
she said: you are not alone. you will always have us.
he said: i know, and don’t think i am not thankful. but you know what i mean dear, friends and lovers are not the same. the heart is strangely lonely, even when surrounded by wonderful friends and happy laughters. and i think it’s worse for me this time around because i have been so looking forward to this christmas with…
she said: *sad smile* i know. i understand.
you’re honey dipped. you are beautiful. you are ecstasy. floating clouds, you lifted me so high and i am crashing down now.
don’t bring me down, i beg you, i won’t let you. where are you going? please come back. you are so so so far away…
-sia: don’t bring me down-
caught between two extremes and two feelings. i hear you my little brother. i have been there before.
but you cannot deny that this should have been done sooner. saying goodbye has been long overdue. i guess you just needed the push and the reason to do so. and this was it. i am always the bad one it seems. the gfs always say i am. i just radiate an aura of bad influence, so no reason not the play the role that i was given then, i guess? *smiles*
just a word of advice: becareful little brother, tread this relationship with this one carefully. beautiful things like her will almost always break your heart…
the tv glowing in the dark. lukewarm microwaved dinner sitting half eaten beside me. absolut vanilla in coke, delicious. i think i am beginning to get that false sense of hope again. i wish it would go away. because i know where this has gotten me before.
*tap click tap click*
‘…and for sixty nine ninety nine you will get… i will always love you forever, that i promise you. really? yes my love, would i lie to you… and everything is going at half price! hurry now to your nearest store today!”
Sunday reflections.
i like the scars you left on my back when i first took you.
“it could hurt”, i said. you smiled and told me you would hurt me back if it did.
i will not pretend that i remember them when you were still around. these light, raised lines across my back, for they were so much a part of me. these gifts of affection were so easily discarded and forgotten. i blame youth. we were so young. and we were all just transient creatures crossing paths in the eddies of life.
it’s been 10 years. the distinct keloids are almost gone, the lighter colors have faded into my skin tone, my finger pads brush on almost smoothed out skin instead of those imperfect knots and valleys that i’ve grown so used to.
i try so hard now to reminisce the you that i fell in love with. i look at those pictures of us that i still have and try to remember your character. your smile. your laughter.
everything in fragments. almost gone. just like you.
koginavaan, i would always wish you well. it still tears me up inside, because of me you are now what you have become. and if i could go back again and set things right, i would gladly do so…
-dj shadow: six days-
