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october chases september who in turn chases august around the trees, playing hide and seek. their laughter ringing in my ears. their happiness, genuine. their smiles, brighter than sunshine. august the eldest, so beautiful and happy. she is the prettiest of them all. september, a shadow of emotions. she bears a burden in her heart. october but a child, innocent in so many ways. baby steps. she is learning. in time she will pick up all she needs to know from her sisters. she will grow up, move on and change, like all seasons should…
august august in you i will trust. august is bohemian. a happy soul. a free spirit. a lover of i. she adores me with the seconds and the hours and the days that she is made with. and in turn, i love her with every fiber of my mortal being. i thoughtlessly gave her my heart and she eagerly devours it whole, so it can sit next to hers. two as one, beating in unison.
september september i’ll love you forever. she is full of disappointments and angst but she readily accepts the fact that she has to learn to move on. being left in the cold once too many times, she is used to it but it doesn’t make it any easier when it happens again. she falls down, picks herself up, brushes off the dirt and walk away as she always will. i look in her eyes and i understand her. she places her hand on my chest where my heart used to be. and she nods, because she understands me…
october october a promise to remember. a new beginning without you, learning to cope with the emptiness. like a little child who is waiting on a promise, she doesn’t know. she sits patiently. she hopes. she waits. and in time as children do, she will forget and move on. she will get up and run along. i look at her and i smile but she frowns at me. but i am sure sooner or later, she will learn how to smile back…
they suddenly stopped chasing each other, laughed and looked back at me from behind the trees. knowing eyes that tells me wait wait, two more sister and this twelve will be gone. will you remember us? will you miss us?
so… will you remember me? remember the us? will you miss me? on some days like today, for no reason at all, my heart misses you like crazy.
-nina simone: since i fell for you-
-digicamography, photoshop-
sunday reflections.
today.
something amateurish. something whimsical. hastily scribbled on to coffee stained serviettes while lounging at my favorite neighborhood yuppie caffeine joint. me at my corner table, watching the world go by as the skies comes down in a long and lazy precipitation.
it’s just one of those sundays…
hey gorgeous, i looked at the calendar and just recalled something from a long time ago: you have a dance on tonight yes?
i wish you the best of luck. hope all your practices went well. i still remember the times that you were so eager to show me your moves. when you twirled and pirouetted in my room. i would sit and watch from my bed as you danced circles around me and my heart. amazed. the beautiful flygirl is also an accomplished dancer.
may everything be smooth and flawless tonight. you go g., dance circles around the rest and blow everybody away.
they will love you.
*smiles*
——————————————————————————————————————————-
good god, i can still taste yesterday’s black label in my burp and it’s 6 pm now. in a few hours time, i have another session to go to. seriously, i never knew there can be such a thing as too much alcohol in so few days. and by me saying ‘too much alcohol’ means there is something wrong. i guess i must really be getting old. boo.
so this weekend is brutal, in a ‘my-head-feels-like-a truck-ran-over-it-and-i-wake-up-totally-not-remembering-yesterday’ kind of way and sometimes being a no-lifer with stacking work and random thoughts of you floating through my head, this mind fog is a good thing…
old conversations. sunday reflections.
she said: hey, would you take me to bangkok one day? i always wanted to go there. i have flown to many cities but i have never actually been to bangkok, can you believe that?
he said: really? bangkok was never one of your destinations? yea i guess a hawt lead stewardess like you only gets the ‘atas’ destinations like japan, europe and south america huh? *laughs* so, you really wanna go? ok then, sure. i got a lot of friends there that could take us around. you know i will take you anywhere you want, gorgeous.
she said: really? anywhere? then bangkok it is, one day soon. promise? *grins*
he said: yep… definitely *smiles* i will take you anywhere and go everywhere with you…
it might not matter anymore now… but it is a promise, nonetheless…
i just want to be happy sans ethanol, herbal or chemical intervention. i just want to be financially secure again, i would even work hard for it.
and i just want the person i love to love me back. maybe not the same, there can never be an equal amount anyways. i have been playing the game far too many times to not know that fact. heck, i would even settle for something less…
those are pure and simple requests right? so, fucking a., seriously… is that too much to ask?
and so it begins. the first day of a new beginning.
slightly nervous and elated. in the car, i run through the introduction speech that i hastily scribbled up the night before in my head a hundred times. i practice into the rear view mirror; trying to tweak my words, intonations and nuances so it does not feel authoritative and rigid. shall i attempt to joke to lighten the moment? hmm, i foresee this will not be easy…
as the elevator doors opened, i walked out, took a deep breath and walk through the auto doors with a big friendly smile on my face.
hey you, don’t fuck this up. this is easy for you. you can definitely pull this off.
yes, the plans are truly in motion now but the reason to this that i do is all but missing. and i really wonder why? the suddenness of it all. no reasons, no explanations. i did no wrong, or did i? did i give you too much love, respect and space? have i been not forceful enough? have i rationed my love and emotions, wanted and demanded, would you still be here? but then gorgeous you were always a focused and headstrong woman. i am sure if i reverted to my hard mode with you, it would be a catastrophe yes? *smiles*
if things did not happen the way they did. if you are still here. this would definitely be a happy and wonderful day indeed. i am sure you would have bought me shirts for work, like you would every time you fly. you would have dressed me up the way you said you wanted to, made sure that i looked good and my dressing is immaculate. you would have trimmed and tousled my hair, and made sure i sport that grungy half shave that you liked.
we would then have had breakfast at the corner coffee shop. you always loved your daily ritual of old school ‘kopi peng’ and ’siu meen pau’. you would have looked into my eyes, held my hands and reassured me that today will be a perfect day. you would have hugged me tightly, kissed and wished me good luck a dozen times.
and i am sure you would have been more anxious than i would be. you would definitely drop by for lunch immediately later, all excited, with your 30 questions *smiles*
so many ifs. if things did not happen the way they did, but they did happen. i keep waiting for the phone to ring and your voice at the other end of the line to wish me good luck. but i have already steeled myself to not expect anything.
today i run through a gamut of emotions. i am happy, anxious and also in some ways, i feel an immense heavy sadness in my heart but i push that aside. negativity shows on the face and it is not a good first impression. no sir. so i step through the auto doors with my head held high. i mirrored every smile and absorbed every handshake in stride.
secretly, i am still doing this for an us. i know i should not but i want to hold on to some resemblance of hope until i hear something, anything from you. this hoping drives me forward. it gives a meaning to what i am doing. i guess i am a stubborn fool like that. but in truth, i know i am better off doing this for myself. so i must keep telling myself that…
this here, this is for one now…
sunday reflections.
i want to be back in langkawi, sneaking into a restricted beach and floating on the turquoise waters while a royal navy cruiser sails in the distance. I want to be back in koh samui, relishing the night life, mingling with pretty street walkers and inebriated ang mohs. I want to be back in hanoi, eating beef noodles and drinking vietnamese beer on lounge chairs by the roadside as a thousand motorbikes zoom by. i want to be back in bali, hanging out by the roadside, busking with the locals while the smell of babi guling wafts in from the stalls nearby. i want to be back in singapore, chilling out in a coffee joint watching the busy singaporeans rush by while I bide my time.
i want those stillness in time to never unpause while I sit here, static and everything moves around me wreathed in motion blur, illuminated by the yellow-orange glow of the street lamps.
three am. driving, driving. aimless. i turn. stop. move. directionless. and i unknowingly drove myself to where you live. hesitate. this subconscious push. the need to search for you.
i pause and look around. all is dark, still and silent in the hour of the wolf.
i pondered momentarily and turned away.
so near yet so far…
-digicamography, photoshop-
hello old girl.
haven’t seen you in a long time, my poor neglected girlfriend. no i have not forgotten about you. it’s just that i have many things on my mind and life has been rather unkind to me.
i am sorry. i know you will understand.
it is time to haul you out of cold storage. time to wipe off years of gathered dust. time to re-string and re-tune you.
so… shall we get acquainted again? hi. these fingers are old, creaky and rusty, and i have forgotten how to hold most of your chords. please excuse me if i am clumsy and i hurt you. i am sure in time i can make you sing again.
give me a chance. let’s start over from the beginning shall we?
-jason mraz: summer breeze (seals and croft cover)-
i dislike being locked in a box. or maybe i am just locking myself in, waiting, existing. i guess it’s a self-entanglement, this… verschränkung.
and if you don’t open the box in time, i guess eventually i will be two different kinds of dead anyways.
just like the poor cat.
i think Schrödinger must be rolling in his grave seeing his quantum-physics paradox theory applied to a relationship, heh.
excuse the mindfuck, it’s the longing geekheart talking tonight.
silly wabbit, what possessed you to think that by doing what you are doing now would make things better? you going incommunicado just adds to my worries and doubt, and puts many more unanswerable questions into my head. speak to me. explain to me. tell me the reasons for your actions. please, that is all i ask.
if you’re going, at least let me know. or are you still holding on, being selfish again like you said you would be?
i know i am the least of your worries right now, and i am not sore at all. you have so many things in your life to sort out. so i guess i am already far far away from your mind; as i was afraid i would to be. if you think by playing this subterfuge and locking me out is the best path to take, then so be it. you know i will always respect your wishes.
take care of yourself tgm, i hope you sort things out, get what you want done and move out, move on with your life.
you know i will be here.
i wish you well, always…
