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yes. that is how i am. forever on impulse drive. stuck a notch below light speed.
my inertial dampers are shot, sending me hurtling way ahead of myself. my time dilation are all out of sync, wait was that a smile or a frown? a yes or a no? the heat of a sensual chamber or the coldness of the deep space vacuum? and do not even talk about my energy conservation. i use up so much for the hyper chase that i do not have enough energy left, even in my reserve banks, to pull myself out of this black hole’s death grip.
credits deducted. interstellar tickets processed. wrong choice? right move? oh what the hell. let us go for a ride then. we shall see where this astro path leads me.
talk about an interstellar roller coaster. up up up and now down down down. and i have not even caught my breath yet. her pretty smiles still holocasted on my cyber optic retina, her infectious laughs still rumbling in my titanium cochlea and i am already hurtling down at top speed into the gravity well of this black hole heart.
well, it is time to jack the ancient mixtapes into the aural projection device. if this is a ride into oblivion, then i feel like some ‘voodoo chile’ coming.
well my arrows are made of desire
from far away as jupiter’s sulphur mines
say my arrows are made of desire, desire
from far away as jupiter’s sulphur mines
(way down by the methane sea, yeah)
-jimi hendrix: voodoo chile-
one. singularity. alone. afraid. tired. dark. fear. wound. gaping. swallow. black. hole.
sleep. sleep. sleep.
sweet. sweet. sweet.
zopiclone.
embrace.
love.
Now I am alone. O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! Is it not monstrous that this player here, But in a fiction, in a dream of passion, Could force his soul so to his own conceit That from her working all his visage wann’d, Tears in his eyes, distraction in’s aspect, A broken voice, and his whole function suiting With forms to his conceit? and all for nothing! For Hecuba! What’s Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba, That he should weep for her? What would he do, Had he the motive and the cue for passion That I have? He would drown the stage with tears And cleave the general ear with horrid speech, Make mad the guilty and appal the free, Confound the ignorant, and amaze indeed The very faculties of eyes and ears.
-Hamlet Act 2, Scene 2:-
happy birthday jim, you will always be my lizard king.
-the doors: light my fire-
a rule of thumb my dear, little reds should never dance with big bad wolves.
or in your case, since you are such a SW geek: young padawans like you should never tutelage under sith lords like me *smiles*
why do they always get younger as i grow older? i’ve always always drawn the line at single digit age gap, but now it seems i am slowly creeping into the double figure already.
ok heart, let us keep it platonic.
do not reciprocate.
do not reciprocate.
do not reciprocate.
shit. i just got jedi mind tricked. strong is the force in this one *grins*
seriously. fuck this heart of mine. slice it up into ribbons with a lightsaber. really.
-digicamography, photoshop-
Sunday reflections.
and destroy you did.
-ladytron: destroy everything you touch-
just a request.
stop listening to my type of music. i can’t believe you are into NIN and APC. that is just so unlady-like you know. stop saying you play the bass guitar, like me, even though i know you really do. stop quoting from sandman or sharing your hellboy comic book collection with me. stop using words like mana bar, area of effect, damage over time, ion cannon, wormhole and warpdrive in your conversations with me. how the heck do you even know how to apply those words into a sentence and actually make it mean something? and stop wearing that white singlet and blue jeans. i had to look away, you are driving me insane.
stop stop stop stop.
can you please stop being so perfect? seriously. it’s a battle trying to not like you more than i already do. really.
*smiles*
-blur: battle-
-digicamography, photoshop-
the hardcore chinese heartlands. this is familiarity. the sounds and smoke of the 大炒 as i walked towards the gritty stairwell. wary local eyes on me. flickering lights, a few flights up, peeling old beige colored paint on rusty iron grille. faded 門神 staring back at me. they say, ‘hey, i know you’. i smiled back and thought, ‘yeah, long time no see…’
knock knock. 來! muffled chinese dramas behind the plywood door. click. clack. creak. swing. 喂! 朋友! 好耐冇見! big smile. old face. hand shakes. shirtless. faded triad inks. it has been awhile. and i am finally home again, even if it is just for a pick up.
he beckoned me in. i stepped across the threshold into the low cost flat. nothing has changed in the past fifteen years since i was back here. almost everything is the same. faded, but the same. it is like stepping back into a time warp. the television is still playing cantonese serial. the mahjong table, the tiles scattered, is still always ready and waiting.
你點樣呀? 好嗎? he passed me a cigarette. 唔係幾好. i shook my head and smiled. 戒了. we talked for a bit over some warm beers and roasted groundnuts. old friends catching up over lost times. there are many gaps and holes to fill and we did our best to keep each other up to date.
‘by the way, the reason i came over is…’, i said taking an envelope out of my pocket and pushed it to him across the table. he eyed me before picking it up, looked into it and smiled. 但 係有点野你还未戒.
i laughed and said, ‘唔該幫我. 好緊急. fix me up… it’s actually for a friend. he needs it…’
he nodded and gave a hearty pat on my back, ’sure thing. i’ll give you a discount ok? anything for a bro. anytime.’
-nujabes+fat jon: the space between two worlds-
i think the men in my family are afflicted with the stupid heart disease. your truly is included of course, seeing the track record of this wordpress, i seem to have a chronic version of it, fuck. and to which, i would like to argue with a certain XX individual, that it is different than the stupid head ailment.
and the stupid heart disease is ultimately more damaging than the stupid head ailment because of it’s cascading negative effects if the relationship fails. the head has a fail safe mechanism which usually works most of the time. the heart is just like a downhill ride in a car with no brakes. exhilarating for the first few miles but suicidal as the pull of gravity takes over, the bends grow sharper and the speed picks up…
i find that it afflicts men more but do not for once think women are totally immune to it. it is not solely a male only disease. not ever my dear, you wish. it’s like that pesky measles i guess: you will get it only once in your lifetime, if you are lucky…
-digicamography, photoshop-
she said: christmas is coming. oh i can’t wait. the decors, the shopping, the gift opening. so much fun. do you like christmas?
he said: it’s okay i guess. i don’t mind christmas.
she said: don’t mind?
he said: yeah, i don’t mind. i tolerate holidays, i don’t enjoy it. well maybe i do because it’s a break from work. but holidays only serves to reminds you that you are alone.
she said: you are not alone. you will always have us.
he said: i know, and don’t think i am not thankful. but you know what i mean dear, friends and lovers are not the same. the heart is strangely lonely, even when surrounded by wonderful friends and happy laughters. and i think it’s worse for me this time around because i have been so looking forward to this christmas with…
she said: *sad smile* i know. i understand.
you’re honey dipped. you are beautiful. you are ecstasy. floating clouds, you lifted me so high and i am crashing down now.
don’t bring me down, i beg you, i won’t let you. where are you going? please come back. you are so so so far away…
-sia: don’t bring me down-
caught between two extremes and two feelings. i hear you my little brother. i have been there before.
but you cannot deny that this should have been done sooner. saying goodbye has been long overdue. i guess you just needed the push and the reason to do so. and this was it. i am always the bad one it seems. the gfs always say i am. i just radiate an aura of bad influence, so no reason not the play the role that i was given then, i guess? *smiles*
just a word of advice: becareful little brother, tread this relationship with this one carefully. beautiful things like her will almost always break your heart…
