You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2009.
percaya lah, kamu bisa telah memiliki seluruh hati ini. ku tetap gembira dengan setengah hatimu. yang benar, tetap meyayangi mu, biar pun bertapa jauh atau pun dimana kamu berada…
-ada band: setengah hati-
i’ve been told i get better, in every aspect, as i grow older. if you ask me, i feel indifferent or rather i don’t think i am doing anything substantially different than i was so many years before. maybe, just maybe… i am a little bit more mature… a little bit wiser… a little bit more worldly… a little bit more understanding… a little bit more caring…a little bit more gentle…
yea, i guess i am just a little bit more of everything…
so like wine, some men gets better as the years go by it seems. and the girls say i am at the point where i am starting to age well. pretty oxymoronic if you ask me. aging and well should never be said in the same breath *laughs* but i am guy after all. what are the numbers to me anyways aye?
but with that said, it does feel very very good to be so wanted. it seems like after being a geek with very low self esteem all my life and learning that the hour of the geeks is in, now growing older will make you much more sought after? gosh, so what next girls?
confusing. my head is spinning. you women are such bewildering but oh so interesting creatures…
hot. cold. out of the loop. silence. awkward. i feel hanging. limbo.
i know things are not exactly going the way you want lately, and i know how much it pains you when life’s puzzle don’t exactly piece together the way you want them to. i might have added a little confusion to the equation by gravitating too close to you and colliding with your heart again, as usual. but i guess me and you are the least of your worries.
sorry, don’t misunderstand. this is not a rant. just a simple plea to keep me in the loop if you can. tell me you’re okay and you don’t need me to worry if you can’t.
i know i was told that i have nothing to do with your hiatus but i still feel guilty. but that’s just me and my personal turmoil. overstepping when i should learn to tread carefully as always. i am like a bull in a china shop, seriously. but i guess that’s what happens when i let my heart out. it’s a clumsy stumbling loving thing.
just so you know, i’m here and i have never left. i am just a concerned friend that loves you very much.
-bloc party: signs-
you say: my heart has always been there with you.
i say: yes i know, but funny… i can feel it but i can’t seem to own it.
-new order: everyone everywhere-
relationships are peculiar things. it is a microcosm of two in an overall bigger picture that unfortunately has huge repercussions, especially when the relationship goes south. breaking up not only takes two hearts into the void but along with it, creates a whole slew of new problems as well.
so over beer one night, conversations with me and my mates slowly changed from girls, politics and football to our relationships and break ups. it seems year ends are always a ‘good’ time for shit like that to happen. it happened to me and to a few of my mates, not to mention even two married fellas. one even already has a kid. bummer.
naturally we talked about splitting the money and shared belongings. how the fuck are you going to split that apartment fairly? that car? heck, that baby even? well cars and apartments can be liquidated i guess, but a kid?
and it seems love liquidation can be some scary business as well. a girl friend interjected that when she broke up, her ex demanded for money back for all the things he bought her. he even called her every-bloody-night to ‘gently remind’ her. until the point where some of her guys friends helped her to ‘persuade’ the offending bastard to back off for good. insane.
so love is only as good as the relationship stands, it seems, to many people.
for me, i dare say my love for them goes well beyond a relationship. i given and had left so many things to my exes because i can’t bear to take the things back and be reminded of them. i rather they take and use it anyways. what would i do with piles of La Senza and VS anyways. cross dress? fuck no *laughs* but yeah, sometimes i do think back and automatically calculate in my head the amount i spend on them and i can’t help but go ‘no way, it’s that much’? hey, i am chinese after all, i have numbers and figures running through my head all day. haha.
so, love liquidation. nasty business. definitely.
today.
three meetings for freelance jobs, a part time help-out-TGF work which i said yes to, some interviews and interviewee details to draft up. a few stories to co-write. a book to co-produce. many concurrent work which are not exactly raking in the dough i want but at least i am doing what i like.
and i guess in some ways that’s somewhat important too.
ok, i guess it’s time to buy some lotteries and toto and pray to lady luck for a much needed windfall, haha. yes, unfortunately, i am still very much a chinaman like that.
yes hawtwritermuse, with much truth and heartfelt honesty, i tell you this:
some days, like today… i really really miss you too…
Is it love?
No not love
She turns me sexual tricks
She says shes mine, I know she lies
-tricky feat. martina topley-bird: suffocated love-
sorry i was away for so long. so i am back now… but i guess i am already too late…
thank you for sparing those few hours of your precious time with me. the lunch, the hands, the arms, the body, the smiles, the hush and sighs is what i really truly want and miss. and it took me so damn long to understand that it is your hands that i should have taken in mine and said yes instead. stupid fucking me…
now, i would have gladly sold my soul to have another chance…
but That Girl Friend is right: what chance do i have against someone that is much more interesting and capable? when i am now starting over with nothing and no long term future plans…
i say: give me a chance. i am working things out. it’s vague but i am most definitely planning. i know it might not be fair to heap this on you but i am planning tomorrow with thoughts of you today. i want a focus and i want the focus to be you. don’t say maybe, don’t say i don’t know. but at least tell me if you can, gently, if it would be futile for me to try.
i am sorry for all those times you chased and i ran far ahead, losing sight of you. i’m getting a dose of my own medicine and indeed it’s a bitter pill to swallow…
It’s been minutes it’s been days.
It’s been all I will remember,
Happy lost in your hair
And the cold side of the pillow.
Your hills and valleys,
Are mapped by my intrepid fingers;
And in a naked slumber, I’ll dream all this again.
-snow patrol: crack the shutters open-
thanks for sharing your cough with me *smooch* *winks, laughs and smiles*
why are those that are halfway across the world are always the ones that your heart pines for. the cat loving marxist. the superstardeejaylawyer. the older woman single mother. all so so far away.
the beauty and romanticism of loving someone in another country sets my heart free, but long distance is never my thing. suffer this heart because it craves closeness too much. it wants to embrace and be embraced in return. so i will go there to you all soon, one day. i will drop in, say hi, fall heads over heels in love in 5 minutes and break my own heart again when i have to leave.
so they say, maybe someone nearer to home and to this soul-body would be better?
maybe it could be… you? or you? or maybe even a stranger like… you? i don’t know. whatever may be, will be. and if it’s not you, you, you or you… then so be it. break down, pick up, move on.
i have had enough of planning for the future with someone that comes only to leave. maybe someone will stay long enough to share tomorrow with me but now i plan a future for myself.
-john mayer: something’s missing-
