You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January, 2008.
sunday reflections.
one big step. resignation. relief. freedom. fear. failure. the shortcomings of humanity. the need to perform. the want to achieve. the fear of failing. it’s now or never, one of my muse said. go for it, said another muse. and so i did. i placed the letter down on the table, stood steadfast and refuse to stay. i need to do this, i tell them. and myself.
i’m taking a big leap and i’m afraid what the future has in store for me.
i guess i am pretty much human after all…
-the herbaliser: 40 winks (no sleep! vadim mix)-
and so we met. i was busy on my ndsl and you came up to greet me with a cheery hi. it was nice to meet you, in the flesh. finally. really. would be nice if we could stay till night fall and watch the lighted cruise ships sail across the harbour. would be nice if we could chill out with more kilkenny’s and get smashed to trip hop. but if that 1/2 hour is all that we could spare, then i’m happy with what i got.
by the way, please don’t let the aloofness fool you my dear. it is just my own personal portable protection ward kicking in…
-dj shadow: midnight in a perfect world-
sunday reflections.
so things change at a phenomenal pace or maybe i’m just out of pace with everything else here myself. i come back to a same city that has the same skies but so different in so many ways. chengam. vivo. fort canning park. bencoolen. geylang. i used to but now i don’t feel at home here anymore. i don’t feel the warmth or the embrace, nor do i trust the shifts and nuances of the people here now. i was about to call this city state my home. well, maybe i will, one day…
-dream theater: constant motion-
funny how easily we build and tear down walls in between us. a nondescript nonverbal agreement. the locking of eyes and we know it’s time to bring out the anti emotional mortar and cold cold hearted bricks again. time to quickly cement and lay the foundation. time for one last look, one last goodbye. and we shall reluctantly walk in different opposite directions.
funny how when we speak now, it’s so easy to be strangers. hi hello how are you hows work. all feels so damn unreal. so damn rigid and so damn cold. gone are the warm adoration and genuine smiles. now we’re like a rewind. rewind to the time we first met. guards up. arms down. emotions hidden. walls shown.
i miss you. i wish i never met you, so i won’t miss you this much. hope the sun shines where ever you go and may you be well and wonderful, always.
-explosions in the sky: inside it all feels the same-
sunday reflections.
she said: i chose you first. you had no interest in me but i chose you first and you, maybe, reluctantly picked me because she wasn’t around for you.
the art of choosing and being chosen is like a game. what you want will always, most probably won’t get. and what chooses you, you most likely won’t accept. most of the time, we’re sure of what we want. most of the time, we will get what we seek. but there’s always that rejectionwrench that life throws into that mix of soft fluffy clouds of love and adoration. hidden amongst all those loveadoration, hidden by the crest of those fluffiness, waiting to make you fall flat on your face. so don’t run through wantonly but instead tread carefully, for it is your own heart that you cradle in your arms. careful. please don’t trip and fall.
and she says… being chosen. reluctant acceptance. second choice. easy convenience.
regardless… no matter what, you shall learn to love me in return.
- death cab for cutie: someday you will be loved-
-digicamography, photoshop-
we gotta get out of here
an unanimous grunting and nodding of heads follows the statement. awkward moment of silence follows. thinking thinking. how should we do it. how would we attempt to. where would we go. it’s always only thinking. toying with the ideas. too fucking afraid to move from this complacency. too fucking tired to try new things. eventhough in our hearts, we know we can do and deserve more than this.
someone breaks the silence. cheers. laughters. clinking of german and irish beer bottles and we pushed the thought aside again till the next year comes.
…Stop and stare, I think I’m moving but I go nowhere…
-one republic: stop and stare-
sunday reflections.
first week (almost) into the new year. anticipation. pop, not bang. fizzle. sighs. maybe i expect too much. or i put in too little to deserve the amount i expected. so this is where the planning starts, and hopefully not fail a few months into the new year. there’s a lot more riding on my shoulders this time around and the prospects pretty much scares me. it’s not helping my frayed nerves that dad’s on a high failure venture. well call me a pessimist for saying that but personally i have no faith in trading but he does, so i have faith in him. i pray to the higher powers that be that he succeeds, for his and my mother’s sake.
so yeah, let’s see, this year i plan to:
+ kick off my own design studio +
+ kick off a tshirt/vinyl toy line +
+ start painting again +
+ shoot more stills +
+ shoot my art house films +
+ submit my works to art fest and art installations +
+ help some local band friends make their mtv +
+ join an gym and not quit after the first week +
+ cycle and rock climb again +
+ learn to cook better +
+ save money +
+ spend less +
+ get more skinart +
+ travel more +
fingers and toes crossed.
-depeche mode: walking in my shoes-
and so ends another year. the 4th quarter yearly cycle of dinners, sex and christmas presents with you is like a dance floor ritual. we keep waltzing, changing partners, till we reach each other. we dance for awhile and then it’s goodbye again, till the next year end comes.
it’s a somewhat almost perfect arrangement, in a askewed kind of way. i guess we won’t grow sick of each other or sleep behind each other’s backs this way. but then technically, we are sleeping behind somebody’s back right? oh the irony of this wicked circle we draw ourselves into.
so… this year end? same place, same time then?
-we are scientist: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt-
and so there i was, spending time at some younger friend’s apartment for nye, minding my own business when suddenly this syt singled me out in the crowd because she caught me eyeing her more than a few times. so she calmly sauntered over and struck up a conversation with me. so we said our pleasantries and introduced ourselves to each other. we found a little cornered of unseated sofa space, promptly sat down, talked, laughed at each others jokes and argued with each other’s opinions. me and my calm, adult demeanor and she and her young, spirited giggles and highly animated laughs. by the end of the night, after losing count of the amount of red wine and liquor we consumed; we were sitting a few inches closer, brushing each other intentionally, shoulder bumping, touching each other’s arms lightly and looking at each other with genuine interest. i guess she got tired of waiting for me to spring the question. so she took my hand and pulled me to an unoccupied corner of the apartment and we proceeded to spend some time there getting to know each other intimately.
so here i was, taking my chances and biding my time to cast the bait, but i guess i got hooked by her instead, heh. so fast forward to the balcony after the tryst.
she says: so, how old are you? *leans forward on him and grabs the pack of cigarette from his back pocket*
he says: i’m 30 *passes her the lighter*
she says: wait, really? wow, you don’t look 30. in fact you look not a day over 25 *grins*
he says: well, i should say thank you? *smiles* but it’s not about looking it or not, dear. it’s a fact that i am 30. just out of curiousity, how old are you then?
she says: uhm hmmm, you don’t wanna know… *hair streaming in the breeze, she sweeps and hooks them behind her ears**looks away and lights a cigarette*
he says: no? no… really, how old? *looks back at her with serious face**cigarette hanging from lips*
she says: *looks back, leans in and whispers* well, i’m actually 15. one five. heh. *steals a peck on his lips* HAPPY NEW YEAR! BYE! *gets up and hurries away*
he says: what… *mutters* oh shi-…
well, i guess it’s true what they say. double the pleasure. double the jail time. thank god for anonymity. haha.
so, after the confetti has been swept away into the dust pan. after picking out the streamers from each other’s hair, when you wake up in a tangle of naked flesh at noon on 1st january 2008. after the liquor spills has dried up on the living room rug. after all the laughters. after all the alcohol induced physical ‘good wishes’. after flirting with all the girls and boys and vice versa. after rolling on the bed, stealing kisses with the girl your best friend has brought to the party. after being overly friendly and making out with that underage girl. but to be fair, she came on to me first, haha.
and so, 2008 is here. it still feels the same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and… you get what i mean…
so, happy new year… may the year bring you what you want, providing you put in a little work here and there of course, yes?
-air: highschool lover-
