the C word

people only see what i let them see. my friends both online and offline sees the player… which is only a very small facet of me. they see the psychobigboobslovingpervert. they see the hardcoregamer. they see the funnyjokerman. they see the crowdpleaser. they see all that. But what they dont’t see, or rather i keep hidden away is the emopoetphotographer. the boywhosheartiseasilybroken. the kidwholovedbutwasneverlovedinreturn.

people ask, how can you love so many people in one go? I can’t answer that. love works in a mysterious way. love is not selfish. desire is never singular. monogamy is a lie. not that I’m complaining, heh. of all the mess up and heartbreaks, i’ve always manage to shield myself well, until she came along. So this is what lovehurt feels like. This must be the payback for when I up and left that pretty chinese girl in upper secondary 5, I left without saying goodbye. This must be for that time when I kissed that malay girl that I was into so much and I found that it was more than I bargained for. This must be for that time when I held this cute girlfriend’s hand and she thought she had something going on between us, and I left again for 3 months. And this must be ultimately for the time when I been with girls, shared their lives and often beds momentarily, then left without ever saying goodbye. I’m commitment-phobic yes… The C word and God forbid, the M word was never in my vocabulary… Its like a dirty word to me.

I find my heart to frivolous to be ever tied down to just one person. i blame in on my brain-heart miscommunication. the head knows there can only be one but my heart just keep giving pieces of itself out. But i feel i must IF i ever do get married. i can’t go on like this. i’ll just burn myself out, self combustion emo style. but i’d guess that will be for the better cos’ i’ve caused too much pain to too many people and gotten too much love in return. quite an unfair equation don’t you think?

-imogen heap: hide and seek-