You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2007.
-digicamography, photoshop-
yes? no? maybe? not mine not yours. so many reasons to say no. none to say yes. but the heart and our oh so weird connection to each other whispers maybe. not maybe. definitely yes.
i can never refuse that cheeky come-hither grin and your ultrasexyhawt snakebites. and the way you walk up and slide against me, doing that cat purr with those tools of pleasure in between your teeth. damn you hawtwriterphotographermuse for making me want you so so so so so so bad.
-floetry: say yes-
and they say write and it will flow. and i tell them that’s utter bullshit. there are those that just, write and there are those that really writes. there are those that write of love and adoration, and those than pen about life and tribulations. i can only stare at the blinking cursor on the screen, in this darkened room and think about unhappy thoughts. and then, only then, i can write.
they say i should not write about lust and adoration. about lost and pain. and dwell in unhappily ever after. but i like unhappily ever after. it is after all, reality. and unfortunately, all that could bring a sad smile to my face are writing about love, lust, lost and pain. of dwelling in the past, in the what could have beens and also, of course writing about my pretties, my darling muses. the ones that holds a piece, each, of my heart. and when they come along and place their respective piece back in it’s slot, and i will be like lazarus, revived… until the time when they leave, again, and take the piece with them.
what i want and need, is not mine and i can never have them all. what i have, i might not have actually needed but chased in haste. and it is within this perpetual motion distortion, this mixed down messed up life, i release myself to fly against the storm. in between here and there, now and then… in that little corner of that little imaginary world, through the many many cracks of my heart… lives the poetwriterphotographer in his tiny dank dungeon room. it is there, in that little place in the far corner of my mind, that the skies are always gloomy and she weeps, perpetually raining…
-hooverphonic: you love me to death-
there was once this girl, who opened her conversation with me with the line: ‘who would you sleep, in order of first choice till the last, in this room?’ and i looked her in her pretty, long eyelashed brown eyes, told her without a doubt, i would sleep with her first. she asked why. and i said: ‘don’t slap me if i’m frank, but i think you have the nicest pair of eyes, they mesmerise me to no end. both the ones you use to look with and those’ *points to her boobs and whistles* she laughed and whispered in my ears: ‘i’m glad you picked me, cos’ i wanted to say you’re my first choice when you ask me the same question in return, but i was worried i wasn’t yours… and oh yes, they’re nice aren’t they? i think so too…’ she lifted my hand and drew a number and a big ‘D’ in my palm. i gasped, looked at her as she nodded with an oh-so-serious look on her face. and we both had a good private laugh over it.
so we never actually followed up with any lusty animal sex but i made a new good friend that night. i would be lying if i said i didn’t lusted after her or she didn’t hint anything from time to time but i guess the moon and stars were never in the right position in the skies to turn us into monsters for us to rip each other clothes off. but she would always always drive me shitfuckingcrazy by being a human slinky on me whenever we hung out. and it’s weird that those many times that she was drunk out of her mind, i never took the chance to cop a grope or sneak a peek. guess she trusted me not too and i respected her too much to do so. but regardless, my imagination ran out of control, thinking all that separated my skin from her’s was just my shirt and her flimsy top.
and over the years, we drifted apart until one fine day she called and said she got married a few weeks back. i wasn’t surprised at the inevitable but i was at the speed it has happened. people say, if you don’t chase, they will run and there will always be another person out there that knows something good when they see it and catches it before they run away. so babe, have a good life with your husband. i don’t know him personally, but i think, from the times i have worked alongside him, he’s a great person and i know he would treat you very well. i wish you both all the best.
i’m not too sure if it’s right for me to say this but i guess you won’t read this anyways eh?
hey m. , i missed you.
-amerie: thinking of you-
-digicamography, photoshop-
am i the only one that holds you. i never ever should have told you you’re my only girl. am i the only one that holds you. i never ever should have told you you’re my only world.
she says: baby, why do you always kiss the girls and make them cry?
he says: well, i guess the same could be asked about you then aye? *smiles*
she says: *covers her face with her hands and laughs*
-eric benet feat. faith evans: georgy porgy-
weekend gathering. friends. and some strangers. introduction all around. smiles. handshakes. a particular girl. alone. single. attractive. curvy. in all the right places. all eyes on her. i steal glances. she noticed. came forward. stood a few inches closer to me than the others. arms extended. hand offered. i clasp. her small hand in mine. she held on for that split second longer. fingers accidentally catching as we released our grasps. she look at me. smiled. not an accident. hidden meanings. interesting.
night grew older. music grew louder. bodies grew warmer. alcohol taking over. singled out. targets. everybody. sitting closer. more hugs. more kisses. more body contact. she motioned for me. the other end of the long sofa. i walked over. careful not to trip. intertwined legs. we sit. chat. drink. smiles. touch. fingers. explores. tempted. her blantant bravery. outrageous flirtations. tempting. a gentle tug on my fingers. follow. she whisper in my ear. she excuse herself and walked away. i waited. then i followed.
i found her in a corner. by the speakers. we talk. looked around. crowd. absorbed by the music. coast clear. she pulled me closer. now. she commanded. i lifted one finger. she smiled and shook her head. two. she nodded. grinning.
4/4 beat. pounding wall. rumbling speakers. inquisitive fingers. her eyes widens. she gasped. her manicured nails digging into my forearm. red welts. her wetness. my fingers. in heat. mingling with the alcohol and cigarette haze. her smell. turns me on. i taste. so delicious. she bites her lips. hissed. forced my hands down. my fingers danced. she danced. matching rhythm. rising tempo. climaxing cresendo. her eyes closed. gasping through gritted teeth. catches her breath. leans on me. kiss on my lips. smiles. sighs a thank you. we walked back to the table. floating.
-type o negative: my girlfriend’s girlfriend-
hey you
would it help any if i said sorry for everything?
.and so you came back into my life.
funny how you build yourself up for that big moment, how you steel your mind and heart for the impact. and when it comes, it’s like an anti climax. you’d expect a ragnarok… a universe ending big bang. but in actual fact, it’s more like a sigh of relief. i expected myself to hate you. i expected that i would slap you and stare you down . that i would curse at you at the top of my voice.
but no.
all i feel is a sense of relief, a weight has been lifted off my heart… and closure. i know we can never get back to where we were before. and it’s a waste really don’t you think? i loved you with my whole being; my body, my heart and my soul. i loved you too much, too soon, too fast. i’d be lying if i said i had no more feeling for you. i still do, but it’s not the soul burning flame that it was before. it’s not the mind blowing adoration that it was before. it’s not the unconditional sacrifice that it was before.
and that is a good thing.
so, we never did start something, eventhough we had something wonderful there, something that had so much potential to grow into something beautiful. so you were gone for awhile, and now you’re back. you’re doing well and i am glad for you. and that is all i need to know.
thank you, e.
-howie day: she says-
she says: i gotta get out of this loop.
he says: i think i’m guilty of the same thing. i think if you are with me, as in mine, i’d grow complacent and boring too.
she says: well, you’re not boring like most guys i’ve been with and technically, it’s not your fault. i guess the chasing ends after you bagged him or her. and you fall into this sense of safety.
he says: the ‘oh-she-he-is-mine-now-and-i-dont-have-to-work-hard-for-their-attention-anymore’? yeah, we’re all guilty of that i guess.
she says: *nods* uhuh.
he says: but then, you can’t always be looking for that zing or that beginning of relationship spark?
she says: oh yes i can. i may sound like a slut, well the office already treats me as one anyways. but i think i can, in essence have someone that i want to marry but still look for something more elsewhere.
he says: yeah, you can but that isn’t actually fair ainnit?
she says: are you fair now? *pokes me and grins*
he says: *laughs* point noted. sorry for the hipocrisy there. i’m such a paradox.
she says: haha yes you are *smiles* y’know baby, i want that hidden path off the well treaded walkway. i want that someone to do me or give me something different. there’s this older guy, did i tell you? he’s not exactly what you’d call handsome but he’s world-ly, y’know?
he says: he’s a grown up geek you mean?
she says: *laughs* yes yes. an older geek, intelligent, smart sense of style, money and oh so aloof. he’s not wonderfully good looking but he’s terribly attractive! he’s like a secret y’know. underneath that nochalant facade is something else all together. and he has my switches in his hands and he turns me off and on at whim. i feel like putty in his hands!
he says: *laughs*
she says: he gives me tulips when other men gives me roses. other guys take me for movie, dinners to coerce me into bed. he makes dinners, we wine and dine, then watch dvds at his place… and you can guess what’s next *winks* he’s not pushy or forceful. if i’m happy with just dinners and movies, so be it. but with that said, sex with him is mind blowingly amazing. he lets me come first. and guess what, he doesn’t do the wham-bam-thank-you-miss. he doesn’t roll over and sleep after fucking and he gives wonderful wind down body massages.
he says: well, to tell you the truth… geeks like us compensate their lack of looks with extra effort *laughs* he sounds like me. he does all the things i do. is better than me? *winks and laughs*
she says: well, it’s not about looks anymore nowadays. the wheels have turned *laughs* mmm, i don’t wanna say this, but maybe he’s slightly better than you are, baby *rasp icon* come to think of it, you both are exactly the same in a lot of ways but you gotta learn to cook better, haha! well, you have a few more years to catch up to his age. then maybe we can see how far you’e progressed then, lol! and you know what, he’s not clingy. if i don’t call him, he doesn’t call me. and when i need him, he comes. people might think he’s using me for as a fuck doll but i’m also using him as a fuck doll as well. and not to mention those expensive dinners and gifts. i have what he wants and he wants what i give. fair trade no?
he says: fair enough. so that’s what i will be in a few more years i guess? if my plans take off, i’ll have my own harem of girlies, call them whenever i need wine, dine and fucks. buy them gifts. then stop seeing them for weeks. rinse. repeat.
she says: yeah maybe. and as if you don’t have such a relationship now? what about that hawtwritermuse? *winks*
he says: in a way, hawtwritermuse is more than just dinners and sex. oh i don’t deny the sex is amazing. a different body, a different smell-taste revitalises you in ways you cannot imagine. and oh my god, she has a banging body to boot *whistles*
she says: uh huh, you got that right *laughs* see? you’re on your way there. earn your millions that you’re planning to earn quick. get your fleet of supercars and bungalows in every country. i wanna be part of that harem too, lol!
he says: *frowns and laughs* what?!
she says: *smiles and winks*
-maxwell: sumthin’ sumthin’-
people only see what i let them see. my friends both online and offline sees the player… which is only a very small facet of me. they see the psychobigboobslovingpervert. they see the hardcoregamer. they see the funnyjokerman. they see the crowdpleaser. they see all that. But what they dont’t see, or rather i keep hidden away is the emopoetphotographer. the boywhosheartiseasilybroken. the kidwholovedbutwasneverlovedinreturn.
people ask, how can you love so many people in one go? I can’t answer that. love works in a mysterious way. love is not selfish. desire is never singular. monogamy is a lie. not that I’m complaining, heh. of all the mess up and heartbreaks, i’ve always manage to shield myself well, until she came along. So this is what lovehurt feels like. This must be the payback for when I up and left that pretty chinese girl in upper secondary 5, I left without saying goodbye. This must be for that time when I kissed that malay girl that I was into so much and I found that it was more than I bargained for. This must be for that time when I held this cute girlfriend’s hand and she thought she had something going on between us, and I left again for 3 months. And this must be ultimately for the time when I been with girls, shared their lives and often beds momentarily, then left without ever saying goodbye. I’m commitment-phobic yes… The C word and God forbid, the M word was never in my vocabulary… Its like a dirty word to me.
I find my heart to frivolous to be ever tied down to just one person. i blame in on my brain-heart miscommunication. the head knows there can only be one but my heart just keep giving pieces of itself out. But i feel i must IF i ever do get married. i can’t go on like this. i’ll just burn myself out, self combustion emo style. but i’d guess that will be for the better cos’ i’ve caused too much pain to too many people and gotten too much love in return. quite an unfair equation don’t you think?
-imogen heap: hide and seek-
she say: it’s not always about the bad boys or us girls wanting the turn on of being treated badly y’know.
he says: hmm? really? ok, cos i’ve always thought the good looking, bad boys always have all the fun and attention.
she say: oh no no, maybe the world sees that we like bad boys… but in actual fact, girls adore big time sensitive geeks like you too. hey, keep it to yourself… it’s a womens’ secret, ssshhhh *winks and laughs*
he says: *laughs* yes, the archetype sensitive emo geeks in thick glasses-
she says: – that waxes dark emotional lyrical paragraphs. that paints pain with words. and draws lovely pictures from sentences.
he says: hahaha, exactly my sentiments. very eloquently put hottie. and thus you shall always be my emowritermuse *grins*
she says: *laughs* but seriously, have you ever put much thought about it? that why so many girls like you? other than the cute emo geek look that you have going, haha… it’s the way you’re so emotive… sensitive… eloquent. baby, don’t be surprised that you capture and breaks hearts without knowing it.
he says: ah… yours too maybe? *leans in closer*
she says: *leans in closer* mmm.. maybe *smiles and shrugs*
-van hunt: down here in hell (with you)-
ling. how are you now? where are you now? do the years of silence not make you the least curious? do you not miss me? do you not wonder how i am now? would it be too self indulgent to say i miss you. oh how much it has grown over the years. into a gollum of longing.
do lovers not pine for the empty space, the gap between their arms where a body once rested to be filled once again? did your heart not beat in time next to mine when we lay like 6 and 9, like two perfect inverted commas, with our hands in each others grasp? was there no lovelectrocution when i ran my hands along your body? did my body not respond in kind when you did the same? was there no supernova heatwave emissions when you reached out to eagerly pull my body onto yours against the wall in that dark hallway where your family lay but only a door away? was there no electriclovearcs when we locked lips earnestly? why do you forever refuse this heart-throne-crown-nation that you once love-sat-wore-ruled and suddenly refused so hastily?
our memories are like a fragile film. i run it a thousand times through my mindmemoryprojectors till the emulsions wear thin, scratching it till the picture blurs and the color eventually fades. and i sit here grasping at whatever fast fading memories i have left of those times you spent with me. those three short nights, three lifetimes, replaying it endlessly. i am still at lost at how and how far i fell from your grace. we were never out of sync. but now, you’re always just slightly out of my reach. out of sub atomic sync vibration with my longing molecules. so thus, i appear to not exist to you and you, to me.
so tell me bunny, what is this impossible deathgripvicehold you have over me, my heart and my soul? my muse, my heartbreaker muse. i stalk your writings and your photography with impossible fervor. reading about you, your life and looking through these snapshots is as close as i am allowed to be with you. so tell me, am i only worthy to be relegated to the level of a faceless online stalker? ling, i would settle for something less. just please cut through this years of silence. do it for an old friend, if not a lover. for it has grown into a suffocating cancer, that is still eating at me, even after all these years.
-hooverphonic: shake the disease(depeche mode cover)-
