.monokhromatic.

sunday reflections.

laying awake, morning sun in my eyes, through the fingers i shield my face with. i roll over, waiting for a hug, kiss and smile but empty and cold is the space beside me. 

wish you were here. yeah. i guess it’s the usual morning yearnings.

-ben harper: morning yearning-

hiatus.

a slow drive to ipoh. going home. going back to where my heart has always been.

happy chinese new year. may you be blessed with great health, wealth and happiness all year round…

sunday reflections.

chinese new years, as the years roll by, seems to lose it’s lack lustre somewhat. i miss those villages days. the call of a simpler life. the happiness of lower expectations. where all you need is fireworks, games and laughters to make CNY the best 15 days to begin the year with.

wish i could capture a slice of the yesteryear and use it to fuel my jaded heart.

but we all make do with what we have don’t we? some have to work. some are far away from home. but all will be well in a few more days, a few more days…

so, i’ve hit the ‘go back to start’ box. so, today is first day of being self employed. it feels… awkward, after working for 10 over years for other people but know i will get used to this. well of course, right after i get used to this unpleasant, transient affective state of no urgency and emptiness. this pervasive lack of interest and difficulty concentrating on the current activity of… nothingness…

*whistles* *twirl fingers* *counts bathroom tiles* *sighs*

help?

-deftones: bored-

sunday reflections.

one big step. resignation. relief. freedom. fear. failure. the shortcomings of humanity. the need to perform. the want to achieve. the fear of failing. it’s now or never, one of my muse said. go for it, said another muse. and so i did. i placed the letter down on the table, stood steadfast and refuse to stay. i need to do this, i tell them. and myself.

i’m taking a big leap and i’m afraid what the future has in store for me.

i guess i am pretty much human after all…

-the herbaliser: 40 winks (no sleep! vadim mix)-

and so we met. i was busy on my ndsl and you came up to greet me with a cheery hi. it was nice to meet you, in the flesh. finally. really. would be nice if we could stay till night fall and watch the lighted cruise ships sail across the harbour. would be nice if we could chill out with more kilkenny’s and get smashed to trip hop. but if that 1/2 hour is all that we could spare, then i’m happy with what i got.

by the way, please don’t let the aloofness fool you my dear. it is just my own personal portable protection ward kicking in…

-dj shadow: midnight in a perfect world- 

sunday reflections. 

so things change at a phenomenal pace or maybe i’m just out of pace with everything else here myself. i come back to a same city that has the same skies but so different in so many ways. chengam. vivo. fort canning park. bencoolen. geylang. i used to but now i don’t feel at home here anymore. i don’t feel the warmth or the embrace, nor do i trust the shifts and nuances of the people here now. i was about to call this city state my home. well, maybe i will, one day…

-dream theater: constant motion-

funny how easily we build and tear down walls in between us. a nondescript nonverbal agreement. the locking of eyes and we know it’s time to bring out the anti emotional mortar and cold cold hearted bricks again. time to quickly cement and lay the foundation. time for one last look, one last goodbye. and we shall reluctantly walk in different opposite directions. 

funny how when we speak now, it’s so easy to be strangers. hi hello how are you hows work. all feels so damn unreal. so damn rigid and so damn cold. gone are the warm adoration and genuine smiles. now we’re like a rewind. rewind to the time we first met. guards up. arms down. emotions hidden. walls shown.

i miss you. i wish i never met you, so i won’t miss you this much. hope the sun shines where ever you go and may you be well and wonderful, always.

-explosions in the sky: inside it all feels the same-

sunday reflections. 

she said: i chose you first. you had no interest in me but i chose you first and you, maybe, reluctantly picked me because she wasn’t around for you.

the art of choosing and being chosen is like a game. what you want will always, most probably won’t get. and what chooses you, you most likely won’t accept. most of the time, we’re sure of what we want. most of the time, we will get what we seek. but there’s always that rejectionwrench that life throws into that mix of soft fluffy clouds of love and adoration. hidden amongst all those loveadoration, hidden by the crest of those fluffiness, waiting to make you fall flat on your face. so don’t run through wantonly but instead tread carefully, for it is your own heart that you cradle in your arms. careful. please don’t trip and fall.

and she says… being chosen. reluctant acceptance. second choice. easy convenience.

regardless… no matter what, you shall learn to love me in return.

- death cab for cutie: someday you will be loved-

-digicamography, photoshop-

 we gotta get out of here

an unanimous grunting and nodding of heads follows the statement. awkward moment of silence follows. thinking thinking. how should we do it. how would we attempt to. where would we go. it’s always only thinking. toying with the ideas. too fucking afraid to move from this complacency. too fucking tired to try new things. eventhough in our hearts, we know we can do and deserve more than this. 

someone breaks the silence. cheers. laughters. clinking of german and irish beer bottles and we pushed the thought aside again till the next year comes.

…Stop and stare, I think I’m moving but I go nowhere…

-one republic: stop and stare-